Though my friends sometimes insist that I join dinners and parties, most of the time I just don't feel up to it. I think they're also getting used to it and, lately at least, have been seldom asking me out for lunch or dinner. It's not that I dislike them. I think that being alone has become my comfort zone.
I like being alone, being absent from the world. This is connected to the ideas I've written down on my post "Encounters". Though not really mine (if we take into account the subject matter, which is Yoko Ono's performance).
At the same time, I don't want to think of myself as a recluse. I do travel a lot, in my country and elsewhere. I can still relate with my friends because of my lack of employment (not busy enough) and the fact that I attend school (I always come to see them).
There is pleasure in being absent from the world. There is quietude, which I can never get enough of. Things take on a genteel, albeit one-sided, light, as if I were looking through a curtain or a veil to the world outside.
There is small comfort in knowing that no one notices me. That I have no effect whatsoever in the lives of the people around me. I understand that the prevailing thought is to "touch" or influence as much people as you can. But it seems that I, at least, can never do anything positive or good for anyone. Further, nobody really wants me to do so, precisely because I do not exist in their eyes. How do I justify this negativity? Am I necessary for the world-at-large at all?
I think I have loved deeply. Too deeply, I can't even see through the delusion anymore and would be condemned to keep making the same mistakes. Certainly, I had been and am loved by certain persons besides my family.
Despite that, each day, I can't rub off the feeling that the joke's on me. Or I am the walking joke.
There are days when I simply want to disappear, unnoticed. Lately, the want for a disappearance becomes stronger.