This might not come across as new to anyone anymore. Some of you might even have gone through the same thing in your 20s.
I've said before that I'm a lover of silence. I don't speak unless I really have to or if its something urgent, work related. But in writing, it's quite different. I express myself better on the page or screen.
But when it comes to speaking about how I feel about something or someone, I find it difficult to express myself. Reports and presentations aren't much of a trouble. It's in saying the essential that my voice fails.
Actually, even in casual conversations, I sometimes fail.
But once, I found myself compelled to confess that I was in love with this person. Or at least I thought I was in love with him. I wrote him letters but never got around in the telling.
After that episode, I really sought to rid myself of excessive feelings and confine myself to thoughts only. I supressed my heart, considered it only a heater--- I can do without emotions. It's so hard to quantify and categorize emotions, so hard to work with them.
They come unannounced and by the time that you're aware of their presence, they've "hacked through the living room and are ransacking the bedrooms".
And for a time, I was so afraid of saying something by way of true emotion. I couldn't even tell the people who deserved it how deeply I disliked them.
And I couldn't say to anyone, anymore, how much I loved them. Not even my mother or my own nephew. (The only little boy I'll ever have, perhaps.)
I know it's laughable how an episode that doesn't even mean much has done this to me.
But it also made me realize the value of expressing in writing and speaking--- not only in mind but in heart.
I shouldn't feel embarrassed at all that I confessed! (At least, on paper--- but still!) How many people would have the audacity?
I might be a strange person, but at least I'm not afraid to say what I think and how I feel.