RAPID FIRE EMOTIONS
I'm the one people call for encouragement, and advice. I'm the cheer-leader and motivational speaker, and consummate optimist. But I'm feeling weepy, and not so up.
Houston, February 16, prostate exam; February 26, biopsy prostate; February 28, diagnosis, cancer. March 3, husband flies to SF for conference; March 5, husband flies to Nevada (our permanent home) March 6th, I do the rehearsal dinner at my house(30 people for dinner) - I cut the tip of my finger off including the fingernail...I think my mind was somewhere else.
March 7, son's wedding; March 8, husband flies to Texas; (Bay Ciy where he works and we live most of the time) I stay in Nevada to watch the kid's dog while they honeymoon.
March 10th, Houston, pre-op. Bone scan and CT scan. March, 12th, results from scans - clean; Thank God.
March 16th, I fly to Texas, March 24 drive to Houston, March 25th (my birthday - congratulations it's a prostate)...6-hour surgery at the Methodist hospital. Friday, March 26th, husband is discharged, we drive 2 hours home (Bay city). March 27th, we rest.
March 28th, Sunday we leave for Nevada, with dog. We stop every hour and a half. It takes almost 3 days to get to Nevada. He is doing well. The dog is grateful to be home. Me - a little emotional.
April 4, husband gets confirmation for a one month contract in Africa. April 6, catheter removed. Life is getting close to normal. April 7th, meet with tax man. He tells us we owe $7k. Ouch. April 8th, Disability for husband is half of what we were told. Same day we receive a letter from IRS saying our taxes last year were wrong we owe an addiltional $1700. Tomorrow, April, 10th. Husband leaves at 9:am for Uganda. One month. I'm staying in Nevada with dog.
Still emotional. I think I just needed to lay it out. I think I know why my eyes are leaking.
Did I tell you we might be moving to Uganda?
I'm not sad, or depressed...just a little emotional.
Keywords:
About Sharon
I live in the land of 'Pause...somwhere between middle-age and "let me help you across the street." However, that's only when I look in a mirror. All other times I think I'm 39. I'm Texas-born and California-raised. I married and raised my kids...
Sharon is a fan of
And then sometimes life just sucks…
You’re one tough cookie, Sharon. What a litany of absolute crap to bear! You get a gigantic hug from me, and I’m not at all a hugger. I’ll write more later when I can digest it all and offer whatever I can.
xMara
Cookies and milk
Thank you so much, Mara.
further....
Remember, we insomniacs never close up shop. If you feel like communicating anything in a less public forum, my email is valhkhvn@fairpoint.net. I’m something of a cancer guru, and I’m still here after ten years, so…
Bearing Up
Hi Sharon,
The revelations about your litany of problems and "distractions" made a longer list than I've seen in quite a while. I hope you're taking care of yourself in some basic low-tech ways: Sleep, walking, simple foods. So sorry to hear about all your troubles and worries. Maybe writing about them will allow the emotion to be a little less painful and exhausting.
Christine
Grateful
Thank you Christine, I think that's why I just dumped the "list". I think once I know hubby is in Africa - safe.
I will relax and de-stress.
Uganda? Really?
Hey listen there is no reason to feel bad about being a bit weepy. If I was just dealing with one of those problems I would probably be more than just a bit weepy. You are handling this all very well.
As for not being the 24 hour cheerleader...I have been there, done that, and found it impossible to keep up with out terrible repercussions. Be strong yes but it seems you have a good family that is there for you when you can't be supermom all the time and my guess is they will be happy to pick up the title as temporary cheerleader to let you rest and deal with what needs dealing with.
De-stressing
wow, Josh, I thought I had replied to your comment. I was reviewing some things and realized what ever I wrote i never submitted. Just wanted to say 'thank you"and how special it was to hear from a man. Hubby is home from Africa. And now we are waiting to see if and when we leave. Thank you so much for taking the time to post.
Heart-felt thanks.
Ra - rah zis boom bah...humbug.
Thanks for the encouragement, joshua, I truly am looking forward to a respite.
Massive amount to deal with...
all at once... so be sad and depressed and emotional. Nobody's a robot. Big hugs from here and I'm not much of a hugger either.
The things that cheer me when I am overextended and worried are probably not the things that cheer anyone else so I won't mention most of them. But Fawlty Towers is one of them. Old quiet movies in which people's problems are so minute and they make such a big deal out of them that you want to slap them when you think of your own difficulties. I don't know why that makes one feel better, but it does. Peanut butter sandwiches and milk (almond or soy milk now). Apples, the Andy Griffith Show, remembering everything is relative. See's cafe latte suckers. Jane Austen. Betsy Tacy and Tib. Barbara Pym. Tea. Bakewell tarts - okay I know they are revolting and horrid for you, but sugar works sometimes. Large cotton sweaters. Mama Mia. Rearranging the furniture. Staying in bed for a day but not more than one day. Scrubbing things. Buying new notebooks. Talking to someone (not about problems) who is one hundred percent in your court, one hundred percent of the time. Lighting candles at gratefulness.org (I lit one for Mara and one for Mary last week.) Painting or drawing. Jumping. Making a box up for the homeless or someone desititute and buying something brand new to put in it. Popcorn. Cooking something wonderful for yourself and only you. Reading AS Byatt's short stories in her Matisse Stories and Elementals. iTunes University Lectures.And, once a long time ago, when I was a very young (not in age) person, reading Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way and doing every single thing she said. Sorry I can't share the other things.
Potpourri
Thank you so much. I see many of the things in your list, that I too prescribe for myself. I see several I've never thought of. Looking forward to exploring. I never stay down. I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I must say, for you who are not huggers, you hug really well - verbally. I think once my husband is on the plane, I will begin to de-stress, and regain my cheer. Thank you all so very, very much.
Party of the first part.
For the record, Although it may sound like it, I don't like having pity parties. No one shows up but me.
Thanks for the comment, and may I return the favor
Sharon,
Your comment on my marathon blog was kind and provided affirmation that I wasn't just angsting into the vapid universe. Let me repay the sentiment. Your journey is one of women - we handle the details, make sense of the unexpected, and keep the equilibrium of our family's lives. But every now and then we deserve just to put it out there, find out we aren't alone, and cheer each other on. I'm cheering for you.
Thanks
Thank you, Kelly, for running to my aid and cheering me on.
New
Your comments touched my heart. I was the caregiver to all, the worrier. My husband's illness did not end well, but your's sounds like he is in good hands. I have learned you need to take care of yourself in order to be there for others. My good friends were there for me and our pity parties turned out to be laugh fests, remembering good times and sharing a glass of wine. Then I'd have my own pity party and sent the most outrageous e-mails to friends and strangers at 2am, followed with another e-mail ten minutes later. Subject line: never mind. It helps to talk, to friends to strangers. I had just my husband's illness, you have so much more going on. If you ever want to say hello to a stranger, who is really not so strange, I am up late at night. A life coach told me that if you smile, even if you have to do a fake smile, the act of the facial muscles smiling releases something in the brain that helps you relax. And maybe if nothing else and you look silly doing that it may bring on the real thing. Take care. Be safe. Barbara bb-bjd@comcast.net
The party of the 2nd part
oh Barbara, thank you so much. I've been through a lot of "the stuff of life" including the caregiver for my mother-in-law, who died of pancreatic cancer.
It's sort of everything altogether. I found myself getting irritated because the pain meds made my husband weird, then I'd beat myself up for not being as caring. Thank God, he is 7k to pay taxes. and I'm wondering where I'm going to be living in three months. I love my home in Nevada,. my kids and grandkids, and friends are here. I'm not all that comfortable in the house in Texas. I have acquaintances there, but no friends. I have no idea how I would deal with Uganda.
Right now, I think I'm looking forward to a little alone time.
Even though it is a full month.
I will drop my husband off at the airport tomorrow morning, and go to tea with myself and a good escape book. Then I plan to apply for a job I used to have. Thank you so much for your encouragement, and wisdom.
Lifetime's bliss
Rapid-fire emotions...and yet they seep deep. Sharon, all that can be said has been said with such warmth. I can only be around.
You need that "alone time" and while you are there just read this by Rabindranath Tagore:
The night is black and the forest has no end;
a million people thread it in a million ways.
We have trysts to keep in the darkness, but where
or with whom - of that we are unaware.
But we have this faith - that a lifetime's bliss
will appear any minute, with a smile upon its lips.
~F
I'm blissed.
F - thank you. I think my heart may have known those words, without me knowing them. I am carrying that with me.
No wonder...
No wonder you are overwhelmed and "a little emotional." Those are certainly proper responses to all (no let's captitalize that--ALL) you are going through. Your RR friends will be thinking of you in the morning when you drop you husband off and wave goodbye as he leaves for Uganda. I am sure we have all profited from the good ideas and advice shared here by your readers. Your massive amount to deal with, as Harrison so aptly described your life right now, is making us evaluate and get a clearer perspective on some of our lesser amounts to deal with. I am sure you have been dealing well through all of this and will continue to do so using tea, your book, and some alone time to regroup. And there is nothing wrong with being a little emotional or even very emotional when you need to be. That's a coping strategy also.
wonder-ful
Thank you so much, Sue. I am amazed at how easily I cry. Even commercials are bringing me to tears. but I do have a time to be quiet, and I'm getting better. I do really well when I don't think.
Dearest Sharon, I hope that
Dearest Sharon, I hope that this day will be a better day for you. That's the beauty of life, isn't it, each day brings about a whole new beginning and the possibility of something wonderful. You are a kind, generous soul. I will put a candle in the window for you tonight. best, m
A new light
Thank you, Mary, so much. With the kind caring words form the Red Room members, I began to look in a different direction.
My husband is safely over the Atlantic (?). And I'm going to clean my kitchen and rearrange my living room today, while listening to my favorite music. I hope your Sunday is filled to overflowing. Thank you again.