Politicians love to prattle on about how the true reward of an election is not the whole getting elected deal but the ability to serve the public. Unh hunh. They never mention that all-important WINNING part, profusely accoutered with the three Ps… power, prestige and pork. But what with the ugly partisan polarization and smell of blood in the water and the president wielding a lower approval rating than a puppy- eating cobra, its understandable we may have overlooked the joys of the journey with our single minded obsession on the destination. Not much time to stop and smell the roses when you’re being chased by packs of freakishly large pigs gobbling up all the 401ks.
Anyhow, there seemed to be an equal number of champs and chumps during this election cycle who deserve recognition. I know what you’re asking, “But Will, isn’t everyone a winner, just for participating?” Yeah. Right. Sure. Whatever. I forgot. So let me take a minute here to reward a couple of the unsung and unhung characters in this soon to be completed semi- eternal campaign.
• SECRET WEAPON THAT TURNED INTO A 260 POUND ALBATROSS AWARD: Bill Clinton. For lots of stuff.
• SENSUOUS DIGITS AWARD: John King, For his fingers. Go on. Touch the map again John. Now make Missouri smaller. Mmmmm. Yessssss.
• MISS UNCONGENIALITY AWARD: Elizabeth Dole. For running an ad that fakes her opponent saying “there is no god.”
• LOOKS GOOD NEXT TO SARAH PALIN AWARD: Katie Couric. Who among us wouldn’t gain journalistic cred interviewing the Queen of Moosylvania?
• DUDE, TAKE THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE OR I’LL RIP OFF YOUR ARM AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT AWARD: Bristol Palin’s boyfriend, Levi Johnson. For his elegant manner of media relations.
• SURGICALLY DEBONED FRENCH SOCCER TEAM FLIP FLOP AWARD: Tie. John McCain. For running a Reverend Wright ad the last week of the campaign, when he vowed not to. AND, Barack Obama. For not taking federal funding after he agreed with McCain they both would.
• WHO AM I AND WHY AM I HERE AWARD: Joe the Plumber who is neither a plumber nor named Joe.
• MOST LIKELY TO BE PERP WALKED UP COURTHOUSE STEPS WITH A TRENCH COAT DRAPED OVER HIS HANDCUFFS AWARD: Mitt Romney. In his defense, his hair is perfect.
• LIKE A BROKEN PALLET OF EIGHT PENNY NAILS IN THE CENTER LANE OF THE BELTWAY AWARD: George Bush. That’s how GOP candidates are avoiding him this year.
• COMEBACK OF THE YEAR: The 40th President, Ronald Reagan. What with the whole Republican herd ignoring 43 (see above). Even 41. Probably because his name is real similar to 43’s.
• NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS DON’T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS EVEN UP UNTIL 35 SECONDS BEFORE THEY HATCH AWARD: Hillary Clinton. Because, well, you know.
• CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR AWARD: James Dobson. Whose Focus on the Family prayed for a “storm of biblical proportions” to disrupt Barack Obama’s outdoor acceptance speech then Gustav canceled the first day of the Republican Convention.
• WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE AWARD: The Undecideds. What are they waiting for? McCain to get younger or Obama to get whiter?
• BIGGEST WINNER OF THE 2008 CAMPAIGN AWARD: Tina Fey.
• 700 BILLION ON RED AWARD: Henry Paulson. When everybody in America knows the name of the Secretary of the Treasury, that’s not good.
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Catch Will Durst’s campaign update on Air America and at the Climate Theater and the Punch Line in San Francisco on November 3rd and 142 Throckmorton on the 4th. His book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing, is available all over this great land of ours.