It occurs to me that I have never done anything for my entire life.
I mean other than the basics, sleep, brush teeth, but I don't even do those the same way every time. I don't have a habit, something I've done my whole life, or even my adult life. I think I'm a bit intimidated by the idea of doing something over and over again…forever. Forever feels way too long.
I've moved furniture around when a room got boring. I drive different ways to places, sometimes I brush my teeth first and then wash my face. I'm not sure it's conscious, but I'm a little all over the place. I suppose I have been committed to the same man for my adult life, but he changes. That may be why I'm still with him, he hasn't been the same guy, he grows.
I was driving home today, thinking about what it means to do something for the rest of my life. I eat grapefruit every morning, but that's just in the last year. Will I still be eating grapefruit when I'm 75? Weird to think about. I wonder if "shaking things up" is my way of avoiding something. Maybe I feel if I start getting dressed in the same order, or wearing my hair the same way then I've settled in.
You know when you're on those rides at an amusement park, I'm specifically thinking of the Snow White ride where the little carts come around? There's energy in line, the anticipation and even figuring out which cart you're going to be on, who's riding with you. You know when you get in, they lower the bar, and it clicks? That's the sign you are on that ride. No backing out for cotton candy or picking a different ride. You're there for the duration. All you have left to do is sit back and ride through to the end.
Routine, habits could be like that. What if I sort it all out, schedule it all in, hear the click and then I just blindly roll through the rest of my years?
I've always wondered why I can't just get into a routine. Actually, I'm still wondering.
My thoughts from the laundry room. I'll Sleep on the Other Side.