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Cell Mates

Is that better, Mother, can you hear me? … I’m in the airport in New York … Yes, Mother, It’s evening here … No, Mother, I haven’t seen any terrorists … Well I wouldn’t know, Mother, but they have security for that … Dogs that sniff for bombs, that sort of thing … No, Mother, I don’t know where the dogs go to the bathroom … … No, not till Tuesday … What? … Yes, I did, Mother, I told you I’d be back in Bangalore on Tuesday … What? … No, there a lot of other people around me talking on their phones  ... Yes, Mother, I’m praying … I pray all the time … Yes, mother, I pray while I’m working ...

... God damn it, Charlie, I can’t do a thing about it right now … Because I’m in an airport  … Yes Charlie, Max Balzenger is an asshole but, then again, you might act like an asshole too if your accountant got you strip searched at your audit … Yeah, Charley, it’s always a bad idea to use sarcasm with IRS agents … No, Charlie, I don’t think I would have told them to go easy on Max because he had a bad temper and could have a concealed weapon ... Yes, even if I had a smile on my face when I said it …  YES, EVEN  IF I MEANT IT AS  A FUCKING JOKE  …  Well then take a God damn Xanax, Charley, but stop whining  …

... What Doctor? … I’m sorry, I’m in an airport and there’s a lot of noise around me … I said there’s a lot of other phone calls going on around me … No, I know you told me the tests came back negative ... Well one time a doctor said that to a cousin of mine and three months later they found a tumor inside her the size of a Mr. Potato Head... No, I’m not exaggerating, the surgeon used those exact words, he said "it was the size of a Mr. Potato Head." ... Other tests?  Why do we need to do other tests? ...  Look, doctor, you can tell me, how long do you think I have? ...  Forty of fifty years  ...?

… Hi, Dixie, it’s Daddy … No, I can’t guess, what did you do today? … Well, did Stewart like the lunch you made him? … Really … Does Mommy know that Stewart threw up in her purse … Well did you take everything out before you put it in the shower? … Yes, Dixie, keys and money are waterproof, but cell phones are not …  No, those are other people talking on their phones … Yes, some are probably talking to their children  … … Yes, Dixie, I know when I’m old you and you call me from an airport wouldn’t make me tell mommy if I did something wrong …

… Peggy, I swear to God I wish she would just die … Oh, yes, I really I do, I want her to die and then I want Johnny to go to her funeral and see that’s she dead so he won’t text her … Because she threw herself on him at the wedding …  No, he was like ‘Oh, I haven’t seen her in so long, isn’t she cute…’ and I was like ‘yeah, cute, if you think a 35 year old with her boobs hanging out is cute.’ … He went to the bathroom … Well for all I know she followed him and is in there with him … I know … I still wish she would die … I don’t care if they can hear me; you think I’m the only depressed woman in this airport … ?

… Yes, Mother, I’m happy … Yes, Mother, even without a husband … No, Mother I don’t want you to introduce me to Aunty Baba’s Brother’s business partner’s son … I don’t care if he did design a cell phone app that lets you do surgery using kitchen tools … No, It doesn’t make me feel better to know that he’s a real doctor … No, Mother, it wouldn’t matter if I met him at his office … 

…  Yes, Charley, yes you are, the first thing in the morning you’re going to meet Max at his office and beg him not to fire us … No, Charlie, I’m not your mother, you’re going to go by yourself … Well go to a doctor if you feel sick Charlie, but one way or the other you’re still going to go meet Max as soon as his office opens in the morning …

… Do you think you could see me when your office opens in the morning, Doctor? … Well not actual pain, pain, more like a dull ache everywhere in my body … A couple of days?  I don’t think I can wait a couple of days … No, I don’t  think it’s all in my head …  Look Doctor, I’m not one of those crazy people who makes things up and then starts  to talk to themselves …  

… Yes, Dixie, people on their cell phones do look like they’re talking to themselves … Yes it is kind of funny … No, I don’t think it will make mommy feel any better to think of that before you tell her you put her cell phone in the shower … Because we need our cell phones, Dixie …   Well, for one thing if you took my cell phone I wouldn’t be able to talk to you anymore when I’m away …

… Because Peggy, If I took his cell phone he wouldn’t be able to talk with her anymore … Yes, I know she’ll be a thousand miles away, but she’s such a whore she’ll probably start texting him pictures of her boobs … “Woops, how stupid of me … I just took a picture of my tits …”  Look, let’s just  …

… Talk about something else, Mother … Yes, of course, Mother, it’s every woman’s dream to die alone and childless … No Mother, I’m being sarcastic … Well, Mother, I don’t really care if men find sarcasm unattractive in a girl … Because right now I don’t want …

… A man, Charley … Just be a fucking man … Well, we could just fire you, Charley that would solve all our problems … … yes, assholes like Max Balzenger do like to see other people in pain but in this case you can understand why he might want to see you in …

… Pain, Doctor, I’m really in pain … Yes, I know I told you it was more like a dull ache, but now I’m really feeling pain again … Well if I leave the airport to check myself into the emergency room, I’m going to miss my flight …  Look, Doctor, if you’d just let me make an appointment, I’ll  …

… See you first thing in the morning, Dixie, and we’ll tell mommy together … Yes we will, Dixie.  If you haven’t told her by then we’ll tell her together … No, Dixie it can’t just be our little secret like the time you ate Skittles for breakfast … Because this is …

… Different than that, Peggy … Well, first I don’t dress like a prostitute and second I only texted Alan a couple of times because I felt sorry for him after he divorced his wife … No, I don’t think she feels sorry for Johnny … Are you saying that she should feel sorry for him because of me, is that what you’re … 

… Saying, Mother, that I should get married before I get blown up by a terrorist?  … Okay, mother I have to go now … Because they’ll be calling my flight soon … No, I’m not just trying to …

… Get off the phone now, Charlie … … No, I won’t stay on the phone with you until the Xanax kicks in … Look , Charley, just get some sleep because tomorrow  at 9 a.m. …

… When you open, I’ll just come by your office and see if you have a cancellation … That’s okay I can wait; I have the whole day off … Well, that’s not …. 

... Very nice of you to say to me, young lady … Because, I don’t think putting the cell phone in the dryer is going to help … No, I’m not yelling … That’s the announcement that … 

… They’re calling my flight, Peggy … No, he’s not back yet … I don’t know, Peggy, how do you get a boyfriend whose texting his ex-girlfriend in the toilet to come out so he won’t …

… Miss the flight, Mother, and not …

… Get there tomorrow, Charley …

… To see you in the morning, Doctor, and …

 … Talk with you when I get home, Dixie …

… To show me that cares, Peggy … 

…  And, tell me that …

… What happened to you …

…  Is embarrassing and a painful, but nobody …

…  Else has to know, because we …

…  Should keep this little situation … 

…  Just ...

…  Between …

 … You …

…  And …

… Me.

 

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Love it!

Wow, Tony, what a nice job. I usually try to mention a favorite line in a piece I enjoy, but you've written too many favorite lines - they're all good (although the part about the audit and the IRS agent made me laugh hardest). The content is terrific, it's very funny, and I admire your craft. You really captured the frenetic, multi-faceted pace.  I'm facebooking this.