In Re: The Estate of Betty Cordaro
Dear Josie, Jason and Jerry,
On behalf of everyone at Cobalt, Catheter & Keen, I want offer you our deepest condolences on the passing of your mother Betty. As your mom’s long time attorneys-in-law we have only the fondest memories of her as an energetic woman who lived life to the fullest. Although your mother was confined in recent months to the care of AmeriShade Senior Homes with only an Internet connection and laptop as her lifeline to the world, we know without a doubt that her final days where among the happiest of her life.
You may well ask how we know that her final days were among her happiest. Well, we know this because upon first unsealing her will and then having our IT department examine the contents of her laptop we discovered some very surprising assets. In addition to the $670 that remained in her bank account after AmeriShade took their share of her $530,000 estate, we also uncovered the following four items which your mother has directed should be equally shared and/or enjoyed by each of you:
An 800,000 acre Farmville estate worth 19,600,235 in Farm Cash Coins (or $1.67 in US currency)
Although this amount far exceeds the $35,000 your mother charged to her credit card for Farmville livestock, buildings, equipment and migrant workers to pick her crops, we are pleased to tell you that by the end of her life she had amassed a Mighty Plantation and reached the level of Hot Shot Farmer overseeing 4 Farmville agribusinesses – a level only ever reached by one other individual, a teenager in Japan who had a CPU, hard drive and wireless modem surgically embedded into her forearms under her tattoos of a giant Farmville strawberry and Black Angus cow.
A Second Life home and family in a place known as Twinkle Town
You’ll be happy to know that your late, virtual step father Carl was a successful attorney who was also the mayor of Twinkle Town and who owned multiple tenement apartment buildings in the TwinkleSlum section of the city. It may also interest you to know that your onscreen half brothers and sisters, Magdalena, Minerva, Marius and Mickey, have all become very prosperous in their own right with their collected amassed estates and inheritances of 467,000,000 Linden Dollars and the 16 avatar grandchildren they gave your mother, your half brothers and sisters pleased your mother in a way only a virtual family can. Note that the Second Life assets which your mother willed to you are yours to split three ways, however, your mother did also appoint your virtual half-sister Minerva as executrix of her Second Life estate and these assets are now being probated in the first circuit court of Twinkle Town.
A Pharos’s Circle platinum membership at the Crazy Vegas Egyptian Online Casino
Remarkably, your mother attained this level of membership in just the last week of her life by spending 138 consecutive hours at her laptop playing Texas Hold ‘Em against some of the Middle East’s most famous online gamblers, including Kid Oasis, Fatwa Fats and Riyadh Pete. You can also be comforted by the fact that, although your mother actually died in the middle of a hand where she was about to bet the remainder of her estate on a pair of Kings, her fearless gambling has made her a legend in Egypt. And although the Prince Ahmad Ali Corporation which owns and operates the Crazy Vegas casino is now suing AmeriShade Manor for the remainder of your mother’s estate, you can rest assured that there are boys and girls all over Cairo who wake each morning to look at the screen shot of your mother with her Ray Bans, Marlboro light and Jack Daniels and hope that they might someday be just like her.
73,108 Facebook friends with whom your mother was carrying on hundreds of private chats
As you know your mother was quite a gregarious woman, and it didn’t surprise us in the least to find that she had accepted this many Facebook friend requests, including those from men and women in prisons and some from the PR departments at Walmart, Def Jam Records and the Halliburton Corporation. What did surprise us is that it seems your mother’s will directs that each of these Facebook friends be invited to her memorial service. In accordance with these wishes we have sent out an invitation to all 73,000 plus individuals and have already received over 27,000 RSVPs telling us they will attend your mother’s public memorial service which, as you have informed us, is now being planned for January 11thof this year.
Please Note, regarding the last item above Cobalt, Catheter and Keen is not liable and shall be held harmless for any retaliatory murders, drug deals, or other illegal activities undertaken at your mother’s service by the 12 members of the Lords of Flagellation motorcycle club who have said they will attend. Also note that Cobalt, Catheter and Keen is recommending that you find a venue larger than your Brother Jason’s family room for the get together after for your mom’s memorial service, preferably some type of civic arena with its own security force.
In closing, please know that we have taken care of all the arrangements for your mother’s funeral, which, in accordance with her wishes, will be held for family only this Tuesday at 9 a.m. at the Twinkle Town First Episcopal Church to be followed immediately by the cremation of all the data and drives in her laptop.
Again, on behalf of everyone at Cobalt, Catheter and Keen, allow me to express our condolences on the loss of your mother but also to celebrate the way she lived out her final days which all of us here have come to see as a model for all of our parents as well as for each of us as we approach our golden years.
Marvin Cobalt, Esq.