Tim Haywood's Blog
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Oct.29.2012
It was a beatdown, an ass whoopin', a curb stompin'. Sweet mother, those guys were dragged behind the woodshed and force fed a couple heapin' shitloads of chucknorris.
Oh, yeah, and really boring.
Aside from a few randy fetishists who occupy the outlying regions of society's bell-shaped curve...
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Oct.25.2012
It's been a while, now.
As of this juncture, I've been hurling my half-century-old carcass through the blogosphere for three years plus some change.
And throughout four hundred and fifty three posts, I've offered unsolicited insights into my worldview, submitting these thoughts while clenched...
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Oct.22.2012
Twenty years ago, Nike aired a television spot featuring Charles Barkley. As the camera framed his round face in an extreme black and white close-up, Barkley proclaimed, "I am not a role model...just because I dunk a basketball doesn't mean I should raise your kids."
True enough.
But if Swoosh...
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Oct.17.2012
Binders full of women?
To make a Gilligan's Island analogy, last night's debate reminded me of an argument between the professor and an exotic hybrid combining Gilligan and Thurston Howell III.
Good God, where do we begin?
According to the talking heads, President Obama needed to climb through...
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Oct.15.2012
Seriously, this couldn't have come at a better time.
After basking in eighty-one straight shimmering days of Pacific Northwest sunshine, I awakened at five-thirty this morning nearly as grumpy and sore as Jerry Sandusky after an evening horsing around with the prison tickle monster. Things were...
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Oct.11.2012
Since he was thirteen and six years my senior, he played on his knees while I was allowed to stand.
The living room was the stadium, our avocado carpet serving as the faux turf field and the fireplace mantel the glorious pay dirt of the end zone.
Clutching the football in the crook of my...
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Oct.08.2012
Dear Hallmark,
Why did you allow things to get to this point without calling me? Come on, you guys, you know I'm here for you.
It's obviously too late to reverse this current wave, now that you've announced the impending layoffs of seven hundred and fifty full-time American employees due to...
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Oct.04.2012
I'm obviously in the minority, here.
Apparently, I can be counted among those groups whose memberships are painfully small:
Those who feel O.J. didn't do it.
People who decided that it was finally safe to open the sliding glass door and let the raccoons meet the kittens.
Parents who choose a...
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Sep.30.2012
Remember back in the day, when a friend ventured to Europe for a semester or two, and returned speaking French with the fluidity of a Muppet chef or rattling off German with greater proficiency than Colonel Wilhelm Klink?
I didn't quite reach those aptitudal levels yesterday, but I came close to...
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Sep.26.2012
Ouch.
For the past three weeks, these poor guys have been bloodied. They've been battered and bludgeoned. They've been abused more than a dog whose tag is etched, "Property of the Romney Family. If found, please hose off and return."
The National Football League Referees Association has been...
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Sep.23.2012
“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of...
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Sep.17.2012
September, 1987
The tires of our U-Haul brushed against the curb as my roommate, Dave, and I pulled up to our new home, a duplex in Seattle's Central District. We walked up the porch steps, opened the door and gazed at the narrow stairway which led to our top-floor unit.
"This is going to suck...
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Sep.13.2012
"So, what's the deal, man? Did you kiss her yet?"
"Yeah, of course I did," I lied.
"Where?"
I lied again. "You know...over there...behind the portables."
"When?"
"Um, like...last Wednesday...maybe before that." Fib number three.
"Decent. Good deal, bud."
It was the autumn of 1976, I was...
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Sep.10.2012
What are your core beliefs?
I know that's a pretty loaded question. Most of us have sort of a "belief pyramid," where our really intense convictions are firmly ingrained up top where the stonework can't get tagged with graffiti or some teenage boy's spent Copenhagen wad.
And then down near the...
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Sep.05.2012
At 7:31 this morning, she bounded out of her room and grabbed her backpack.
"Bye, Dad."
"Bye. Have a good day."
"Thanks. You, too."
She strode out of the door, her footsteps heavy and confident.
My daughter is a high school senior—and today is her last first day of school.
After she left, I sat...
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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmm, boy.”
—Jack Handey
About Tim
Over the past four years, I've authored a blog entitled, "Reflections of a Shallow Pond" (reflectionsofashallowpond.blogspot.com). It's musings, rants and baseless blatherings from a middle-aged father of teen and tween daughters. I'm a graphic designer by...
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