I got an illness since the day I found myself in a battle between dreams and goals, friends and love one, family and school, church and community, psychology and philosophy. I am nowhere to be found. Why do I think so? Because I don’t actually know, where I came from or where I am or where I am headed by this path I’m taking.
I always make it figurative when I am actually talking about myself, because honestly, I dunno who I actually am… and it’s difficult, for I dunno where should I place myself. Personality difficulty. Absence of belongingness. Inferiorities. Insecurities. Indefinite. Personal issues. Those are the symptoms of PERSONALITY AWARENESS DEFICIENCY.
Am I good or bad? Lazy or industrious? Ugly or pretty? Honest or dishonest? Loyal or faithful? Am I a real person or an alien whose only perfectly designed to be a person? Am I happy or sad? Thankful or regretful? Am I rude or polite? Do I define the real right as right as I can be or taking the other way around just to think I am really defining the right as the real right? Do I define the world or the world defines me to define it? Am I able or inabled? Am I normal or crazy? How should I know? If I am normal, what if the crazy thinks I’m a crazy too? If I am crazy, what could be my definition of normality? If the world goes round and round, am I revolving too? How could I revolve if I can’t have the actual sun as my point of reference? Who’s gonna be the real me, me or I? if me, how could I ever get rid of that I and let me define me as me, as I chooses me to be me? If I, how could I ever be defined by those people around I and let them accept that I am I. Do I belong to where I am now, or should I command myself to feel that belongingness to where I am?
I want to know myself so bad! Because I dunno how should I decide, what should I choose, what should be the things I should take consider, how it gonna affect me.
I want to be a pawn of the chess game, that though at first I am only defined as a guard, soon, if I conquer the obstacles and hindrances, if I have reached the other side of the world, I could be redefined, as powerful as I can be.
But how? How could I know if I am that kind of piece? Am I entitled to choose the me I want me to be? Or it’s no longer my power to choose whom I gonna be, and it’s all upon the world behind me whose gonna say, "This was you, this is you, and this you shall be."