I sit here in the midst of a crisis that I never imagined I would have to deal with. I am clueless as to how to handle this situation. My son, all of 11 years old, told me today that he tried to commit suicide at his dad's house. The funny thing is that I was 13 the first time I tried to kill myself. Life was unbearable with my adoptive mother; there was no pleasing her. It was my fault we were poor, my fault she didn't have a boyfriend, my fault that her life sucked... the list went on and on. Now my son is in a similar situation with his step-mother. She doesn't like children and says it is because of their stupidity. I never heard her say this myself, but I have heard her say that she never wanted children and didn't understand why others did. She also didn't understand how one could want to be a teacher or daycare provider. She literally hates children. For years she tried desperately to get the doctors to allow her to have her tubes tied and only recently succeeded in that endeavor.
Things have been bad between the two for pretty much their entire relationship, which started about 8 years ago. My son despises her because of how she treats him. She has low tolerance for children, their behavior, and their quirks. This past weekend she got fed up with him not checking his pants pockets before they go in the washer and she cut all of his pockets out of his pants. All of his pants. I personally don't agree with this, but it happened at her house, so what can I do? I have a husband who does trim carpentry and I ALWAYS find nails, carpenter's pencils, and other various things in my washer after washing a load of his jeans. Sure, it is annoying, but it is to be expected. No one is perfect, right?
My son's father and I split up when he was 3 years old. He had only been 3 for about a month or so before his dad moved out after a close friend told me he had been sleeping with one of my neighbors. I couldn't believe that he would do that, but it made sense. We had grown apart since I had gotten pregnant with our child, and my post-partum depression didn't help. He coped by finding comfort with another woman to whom he is now married. I myself didn't deal well with the situation and lost custody of my son due to a techincality. I was stupid. I made a bad decision that I thought was a good one based on lousy attorney advice. I let my emotions totally get away from me and I lost custody of my son. I feel tremendous guilt about it every single day of my life since then. I basically sentenced my son to live a life with a woman who hated him. I know, I had no control over whom his father chose to be with, but still, I take the blame. My ex-husband doesn't see what is happening, or, if he does, he simply has just decided to turn a blind eye to it. I dont' know. What I do know is that I cannot say anything without the threat of losing what little custody I have of my son now.
So what do I do? My son is crying for help, whether it be for real or to simply get his father's attention. It is one that I hesitate to disregard becasue, what if? What if he really did try to kill himself? What if he tries again and succeeds? I can't lose my oldest child. It would kill me. I live for my children, both of them, and can't imagine living life without either one of them. What do I do?