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Little Orange Glowing Friend

Just home after two and a half hours of driving and a day filled with pre-calculus, teaching eight year olds, and then I managed to take myself to the gym. This is the first day of a 4th full week of teaching. My options for the evening being grade some papers, do some pre-calc homework, eat dinner….what fun option shall I choose?

Let’s talk about the eye light. On September 30th, I saw this brightness in my right eye which I don’t recall having been there before. After talking to my mother, a pseudo medical expert due to having had seemingly most everything, we thought maybe it was a silent migraine. I have never heard of such a thing, but sounded logical. A week later, it was still there. I visited an optometrist, opthalmalogist, and finally a neurologist, who “sees something”. Which is good, I am not loosing what marbles are still there. I would prefer the odd bright light to go away, but so much is curable and preventable, or able to be slowed down with the proper diet, exercise, and what have you.

Trying to go through the motions of attending a morning class and working though, make it difficult to have time for any aliments. I am hoping this Thursday will conclude any testing and they can tell me what to do, that it is something fairly fixable. It does seem to exacerbate with exercise. Kind of like when you go for a run or exert yourself, and feel mildly dizzy. Like the start of soccer season, training up in the L.A. smog where after running the first few laps, or during running your first few laps, your gums hurt from running and breathing. Then as the practices become routine, that goes away.

Which brings me to that little glowing friend, and how we are all not created equal. Nothing is equal, not our ability to work out, perform a triathlon, if ever we are in one, how much sleep we need, how much studying we need to pass or learn various subjects, not on our intuition on why others behaviors are like they are, nothing about any person is equal. We think we have similarities, but we are so varied.

I managed to go to cosmetology school from ages sixteen thru eighteen and never smoke, although the bad girls around me all did. I lived in London when I was nineteen and everyone seemed to smoke, but I did not. Then I got to CSUN’s film school, and it just seemed like what there was to do when we were waiting around on our film sets. Smoke and b.s. til we figured out how to light a set, or which location to use, or which t-stop to adjust to. I would go to parties in those film school days where everyone would stand around with a drink and cigarette. Go with a boyfriend to a night club like The Dresden, knock back the dirty martinis and go through a pack.

Usually I would not have many a day, but I was young, nothing happened. Went to Cannes, boy did smoking and red wine on the French Riviera go together!

As I got older, and I never smoked much unless it accompanied drinking really, I could literally feel some vein or artery in my arm hurt when I’d breath in if I had had one to many smokey treats. So I would stop for a bit. Later and older still, and I am only 35, I noticed the pain in my upper thigh sides where bursitis sacs live. I believe that has to do with smoking too, and I would put a lovely Chinese menthol potion on it called White Flower and not smoke for a while. It would go away. Neck pains, do yoga, and cut down.

Finally I was at one a day. It is really more mental than physical. I will go for months at a time and not smoke. Then feel stressed, blue, or just rebellious and want a smoke to go with a drink, or a drive to work.

So that this eye thing may have something or everything to do with smoking, even though I do very little of it say, compared to a grandmother who smoked from age forty one til seventy about two packs a day, probably doesn’t matter. Somewhere I need to remove the rebellion and just embrace that this particular ride is only going to happen once, and I may as well enjoy it, albeit in a different way, if at times it must be rebellious.