Today I read of the Arizona law that forbids accented or ungrammatical speakers from teaching English and got to thinking about it. Who doesn’t have an accent?
Everyone knows Southerners talk funny, some more than others. Mississippians sound so slow but the Arkansans are worse—I was in boot camp with a girl from Vandervoort, Arkansas. You want to hear something funny? Find a native of Vandervoort, Arkansas, and ask them the name of their town. Southerners are definitely out.
Texans are out, too. They really do talk the way the rest of us think they do, and they persist in thinking that it’s perfectly okay to sound that way. No Texans need apply.
New Yorkers? Hahaha! Okay, that was funny. Tony Danza teaching English?
East Coast folks have accents. I didn’t know this until I was in the Navy and met a girl from Rhode Island; my goodness, did she sound funny! And those Bostonians? They really do pahk their cahs, and then they go inside to have a drink of wahduh. Can’t have that sort of speech in the classroom.
I lived in Chicago for a time, and what Chicagoans can do to the letter A ought not be done in public. It is twisted and bent all out of shape, flattened until it’s unrecognizable. Waterboarding may not be torture, but listening to Chicagoans pronounce the name of their city sure is.
North of Chicago, the Wisconsinites mangle their O’s almost as badly as those Chicagoans do their A’s. They drag out those nasal O’s like their sinuses are all closed off. Send them some Claritin if you like, but don’t let them contaminate your children’s English.
Anyone ever hear Ann Landers or Dear Abby speak? Thank their Sioux City roots for those ghastly twangs. I know the movie “In and Out” was set in Indiana and featured an English teacher who could speak lovely English, but that Kevin Kline is just another Hollywood liberal and besides, that teacher he portrayed was gay. He’s out, and so are Iowans.
Minnesotans? Forget it, unless you want your children to sound like they’re from some Scandinavian country. Not only would your children end up sounding funny, they’d be turned Socialist, too.
Montanans? Wyomingites? They probably sound okay, but they’re all Libertarians and so wouldn’t care to teach your children anyway, as it wouldn’t be of immediate and direct benefit to them. Sorry, cowboys won’t apply.
Black folks? No way. I don’t know what my KidThree speaks, but it sure isn’t the English I know and love. When she testified in court, the district attorney had to keep stopping her for definitions of what she said. God forbid your children should learn some of those words, not to mention that so-called 'grammar.'
Nope, you’re stuck. The only person I know who speaks unaccented English is me. Everyone else sounds funny at least some of the time. You’re stuck with me. I’m it. No accent at all, never have had, never will have. Goodness knows how I got so lucky, but my English is the right stuff.
But guess what? You can’t have it. I can’t live somewhere where my KidOne might get stopped on the street for having skin color on the wrong side of the spectrum, or where my KidTwo might not be welcome when people see or hear her un-English and so un-American name. I have the English you need, but I can’t live in Arizona, so you all are stuck.
You’re going to have to go back to speaking Spanish.
And then we can deport you.
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Hahahahaha
You have made me laugh. Send this somewhere!
Delightful!
Loved your post! It made me laugh heartily.
About Time.
Hi Susan. I'm new to your blog. But I want a feed every time you post a new one. About time I found another writer that sometimes write the way I do. (Humor and the Truth.), (How I Love The Republican Ideology.) and others that gives the reader something to laugh about.
You see, us'ees in the Great White North don't have a accent eh? We Canuks all speak the same up here in perfict Anglish eh? Wee's all from Britian an have unerstanding ov everythang perfictly. Wanna other beer eh?
I'm going down to Arizona and git hired as a teacher. And me spelling is perfict two.
I loved your blog. Please keep them coming.
Warren
Warren, I'm so glad you
Warren, I'm so glad you enjoyed this, but really, most of the time I just whine about not having money. . . .
Great piece, Susan
Can I copy and publish to Facebook? (Won't do it unless you say it's OK.)
Marsha, you are more than
Marsha, you are more than welcome to post anything I ever write!
Susan
Ain't grammer really overrated anyhoo?
How sad for the people in that state that they have cut off their noses and a good part of the rest of their anatomies (although not their hind ends, cuz they're sure showing that!) to spite the rest of us. Best wishes to those who remain, brave souls.
Yes, I feel for those who
Yes, I feel for those who aren't for these laws but have to live with them anyway. It's sure going to be interesting to see how it all plays out.
Accent anyone?
Your piece is funny.
But more seriously about the Arizona law: Leaving aside the given requirement that an English teacher must speak grammatically correct English, what defines "an accent?"
I doubt that the law refers to the many differences within the 50 states. I believe it refers to foreign accent. I agree that English teachers who cannot pronounce American English correctly should not teach English-as-first-language courses. (It's different for English-as-second-language, which is often taught within immigrant neighborhoods and the instructor may speak their foreign language too.) As someone who speaks with a foreign accent, I am qualified to state without risking suspicion of prejudice, that I find some speakers with foreign accents impossible to understand. I have listened to lecturers who could not even pronounce correctly the words defining the main concepts of their topics.
Yet all is not lost. I worked hard on improving my pronunciation, and while I still have some unrecognizable accent, I speak clearly (and am invited often to address groups.) I expect no less from those who teach English.
grammar for english teachers not important?
Hello. I agree with Talia. Of course an English teacher should have grammar skills. Would a math teacher not have math skills?
I am also with Talia,in that, what is the point of listening to someone you can't understand? Grammar is important. Accents not so much, as long as the person can be understood.
I once got yelled at a job because I couldn't understand someone on the phone who had a very thick accent. Seems backwards thinking to me.
As a person born and raised in Boston, I still understood people in California and Missouri and now in New York - an American accent is still not the same as someone who can barely speak English. When I first met my husband, who is Spanish, there were sentences I didn't understand and at first I thought he said something very nasty. By the way, he, who is Spanish, but born in America, believes that English teachers should be grammatically correct. So it is not a matter of anything but logic and common sense.
Talia and Nanette, of course
Talia and Nanette, of course English teachers need to have good grammar; I don't argue with that at all. My problem with this law is that there are no qualifiers--just "accented." That makes anyone vulnerable to anyone else and given the other things going on in Arizona, it's going to be used against people whose English may be accented but easily intelligible.
Quality writing Susan.
Quality writing Susan. Congrats on being blog of the day. When I travel to the US nobody understands me when I ask for water - my kids laugh and tell me it sounds as if I am asking for washer. Accents----------tell me about it! m
Mary, my maternal
Mary, my maternal grandfather was an immigrant and one day when I was about sixteen, a neighbor mentioned Grandpa's accent. I said, "my grandpa doesn't have an accent," but she insisted he did. The next time he called and I happened to answer, I heard, "Hellooo Soossie, this is Grrrahndpah," and realized that son of a gun, my grandpa had an accent! It was so much a part of him that I hadn't ever heard it before, not for sixteen years.
arizona
much ado about nothing
arizona only reiterating the federal laws that aren't enforced. Where is the sympathy for the dead rancher, the dead family, the kidnap victims, the destroyed property, the extreme drain on states' (all states) resources?
Nanette, that is an entirely
Nanette, that is an entirely different subject. As I said in my post previous to this one, illegal immigration is a problem, illegal immigrants are breaking the law, and our porous borders are a security threat. But giving the police the authority to challenge people for papers is right out of Nazi Germany. We have the right to privacy, the right to travel. Arizona has just given their police the authority to decide who has that right to privacy, and that is WRONG.
new
You know, I used to think that we in Wisconsin didn't have an accent. Then I met a woman who was from the opposite side of the state and realized I was wrong. My accent has Minnesota influence and her's has Michigan influence. Yep. We have an accent too! This is one hilarious post. Arizona can take a flying leap! Anyone who speaks out loud with their mouth has an accent! And honestly I think it comes out in nonverbal ways too sometimes.
Tina, that's it exactly!
Tina, that's it exactly! We ALL have our accents and regionalisms. The reason I picked specifically on folks from Chicago and Wisconsin was that I lived back there for a few years and was familiar with their specific accents.
accents
Susan,
I enjoyed reading this post. It’s hilarious. But it’s true that we are all masters of our own language.
This afternoon, I was at the “Sakuragicho” station in Yokohama. When the tape ran for announcements in the car, I heard the same native Japanese speaker pronounced “Sakuragicho.” The speaker has a weird accent. This drives me nuts. A funny thing was that I noticed today that on the same tape, “Sakuragicho” in the English version was closer to the standard Japanese accent. It was ironic that the English speaker had an American accent.
From ministers to announcers on television, most of them, even though they were born in Tokyo or Yokohama, have accents. The other day, I went to listen to an amateur French-songs concert. All performers and audience were Japanese. And one woman was singing about “Wasi (Japanese rice paper).” I didn’t know why she was singing about Japanese rice paper. I thought it odd. Later, I read a pamphlet and found out that she was singing about eagle. They are both wasi with different accent. I told a friend of mine about it who went with me, but she was quiet about it. I think she didn’t notice. Japanese ears are trained not to notice differences in accents. That was a big issue a few years ago when I gathered a reading group for my play.
Anyway, the day after the concert, I talked with the organizer. I told her about the French song and pronunciation of wasi. She said she was busy, so she didn’t notice it, but that singer used to be a principal of a school.
After my 35 years away from Japan, the language has changed so much. And whether I like it or not, if the majority sings “rice paper” to mean eagle, that’s the way it will be.
Keiko, I didn't know that
Keiko, I didn't know that Japanese are trained to not notice accents, but that makes sense when I think about it. Re: the continual changes in language--I just read a mystery written in the early sixties that used the idioms of the time and it read almost like a farce because of the language, but of course the author was serious.
The funniest accent I ever heard was from a doctor I worked with years ago. He was from Puerto Rico but didn't have the usual Spanish accent to his English. One day I asked him, "DrR, WHERE did you get your accent?" He laughed and said, "the people who taught me English were from Boston!" (That would be like someone learning Japanese from an Australian--funny, funny.)