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When I came out of the hospital, I was searching my cut off roots, my mind blank, hazy, my eyes with their dazed  lost look , my gait wobbly, purposeless. The struggle with death had left me limp. I lacked zeal and I knew all the while I was unable to regain my lost valour. But I wasn't rushing things either. I was picking on energy, trying to make out what people were speaking in general. I had been cut off from general public over two months. I did not feel for them like I had felt earlier. Their conversations were trivial to me, I lacked a subject to connect to them. I looked at them vaguely, and told my colleague one day, " Saroj, I do not have a topic to discuss. And all that they speak hear on the table does not matter to me. I feel I do not belong here or anywhere. I find I am a burden a misfit, like a square peg in a round hole or viceversa."  She consoled that I had been very sick and it will take time to come back to normal, I just shrugged for I did not have the confidence left to talk to people even. I wondered all the while whether I will be back to my old sporty ,friendly, lively, self. I had nothing to think about, so I thought of writing a story........

A bizarre story, a total fantazy, that has nothing to do with reality.

As I began writing, the character began to come alive amidst a plot, a reason began for her existance, a principle she fought for, a love she nurtured, her struggles, her friends, her enemies, her life and trifles , I gave her a real kingdom, made her a queen, and as the story progressed , it got connected to reality........I gave her a name too  PHOEBI (FIBI) ..

Today the story has given a purpose to my life, I have a goal now, a dream to dream, a destination to reach.....The tale of Phoebi has begun to change my life.......is helping me find myself...and I am glad!



8 Comment count
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Sumathi, you have reached

Sumathi, you have reached the core and it is sweet!

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You are right Mary, I have

You are right Mary, I have reached the core and its sweet and exhilarating simultaneously. Thank you Jitu.

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Hi Sumathi, This is very

Hi Sumathi, This is very touching to read and so very uplifting.

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Sumathi, I have never been

Sumathi, I have never been at death's door, but your description of struggling to come back from it is how I feel when I repatriate after having lived abroad for a while. I feel completely out of it, as though I have nothing to add to a conversation. And it just takes a while to reorder the priorities, digest what just happened, and march on.

I am glad you are back from the brink.

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Rebecca, Ellen, Thank you

Rebecca, Ellen, Thank you for reading me.
A dead man has no bank account,no ATM cards, no postal address, no name in the Voters list too.
If he is to return, imagine the struggle he will have to go through to establish himself, running from pillar to post in Government offices.
Death at a closer range was nothing but a breath coming in and going out...may not come back in,at its will. A thought reaches out to all the people you have known, loved and lived with, Just a thought, then an abrupt disconnection from them. A stage of shock, where you become numb to your own thoughts and senses. The eyes sees but registers nothing, the mind thoughtless, there is no fear, just an urge to detach from the excruciating physical suffering...

After this detachment...return is difficult...because one has known the essence of things in its pure form. There is no illusion. Nothing belongs to one...

No imagine why one has nothing to say to people and are not connected to the world one lives in...to communicate without purpose. Unable to enjoy a conversation, a joke ,feel for someone's ill health and their woes. And above all the realization of it, yet, I am still wishing and working to rectify the situation.

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Give yourself time,

Give yourself time, Sumathi.  You have been through something very powerful and life changing.

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You are right Ellen, Life changing, yes!

And Like Mary said, reaching the core. I am glad friends like you are here to understand me at this stage. And we are unveiling a higher, subtler aspect of life in a higher form. One of us has experienced and the knowledge shared, for us to understand life in different perceptions, deeper aspects. Isn't it another quest? Another search for truth and knowledge. Another experience to live and know and feel satisfied that one has known it.