According to a recent poll in US National News, nearly 86% of feline-caretakers believe their cats repeatedly bully them.

The study, conducted over a period of three years and including over 1,500 cat lovers at a cost of nearly $3 billion, issued shocking results.

Seventy-six percent of those studied disclose that their cats walk on them in the middle of night; and a shocking 82% of cats sleep in windowsills mocking their humans who struggle to make a living throughout the day, often at wages well below the national average.

Twelve percent of those polled report that their cat repeatedly sleep on their head and refuse to allow the human even a portion of the pillow. A remarkable 98% report that their cat refuses to come when called. One owner even stated that his cat used his computer to surf for pornography while he was away for the day.

Meggin Armstrong reports, “The other day, I was sitting on my roommate’s couch when Magellan, a black domestic shorthair, jumped onto my lap – causing me to spill a glass of red wine.” 

Forty-six percent of felines allegedly claw expensive furniture while completely disregarding humans who rapidly click a training device and hold chunks of tuna. "It's embarrassing that my cat refuses to listen to me," reports Brian Wilson, owner of a Norwegain Forest Cat.

It has been reported that particularly difficult cats tend to avoid easily-cleaned tile surfaces in order to regurgitate hairballs onto expensive oriental rugs. Eighty-seven percent of cats deny this allegation.

Public humiliation is another secretive aspect of life for those who own cats.  “There have been times when I answer the front door only to have Kyra bolt outside, despite my previous warnings,” says Keenan Jones, who is owned by a female tabby. “She has also been known to dart in front of me while I am walking, intentionally attempting to make me trip. It’s really quite humiliating.”

It should be noted that Kyra rejects these allegations and has retained legal protection while the allegations are investigated.

Alice Ellis, a feline psychologist, states that owners should allow their cats to bully them. “Cats are independent creatures and must be allowed to feel superior. Discipline is considered the ultimate act of betrayal to a feline. They were once treated as Gods in Ancient Egypt and they deserve the same standing in this day and time.”

Ninety-two percent of cat owners state that their cats refuse to come when called. Says John Jinks, owner of two tuxedo cats and two calicos, “It’s shameful that I provide food and water, clean litter boxes, and support my cats through their numerous ailments only to have them refuse to come when called. But, really - what can I do?”

President Obama recently acknowledged the growing problem and has publicly stated that only dogs will reside in the White House. “Unfortunately, there will not be a First Cat during my presidency,” he stated in a recent town hall meeting."

Note: This article is intended to be a humorous look at life with cats and not intended to be taken seriously. The names have been changed to protect the guilty and it is important to note that no cats (or humans) were harmed in the writing of this article.

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