I am going through so many changes surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process. The flat sided panic that I experience while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible. I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition of this experiment to prove it as fact. I have now moved into the part of the illness where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess. This is a two part trap: part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time I will not be able to do anything else. Part 2. If I can't keep it clean enough then I have an excuse to give up and not empty the next space. I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself. Because mean is worse than mess.
Try not to lose things you never had
CHOICE Growth is my decisionI don’t need conflict or catastrophe to bring me to changeI choose each day, come what may, to roll out the refuseI am not tempted to leave it in to rot just because the sun is shining Good days are good times to improveHow could integrity be retarded by joy?I am not punished into recovery I will never accept a Higher Power who set up a system like thatAnd give wide birth to people who claim their Higher Power didMy bottom may have been an inducement to startBut choice keeps me coming back.