Let me preface my fantastic "pontifatry" with this: I'm a black actor with a penchant for pie any opportunity she can get who plays three guitar chords, rents a house owned by an Octogenarian who says every time I see him that everyone should play Lotto...and my pants once fell down in a fancy restaurant in Pasadena because I lost a lot of weight and is too cheap to buy pants until I get down to my *ideal weight* (whatever the hell that is), thanking the imaginary gods above I was wearing running pants and not commando that day.
I also voted for Obama, again.
Makes me perfect for punditry.
Of course, I know at the base who I am. I'm not going to be asked to sit number six on the big Jumbotron Screen on MSNBC or stand by the magic election "Weather Board" on CNN with opinions on why everything looks so red and having the guy working it say over and over again "It's Where the People Are"
I'm afraid I'm not going to be asked to sit alongside of Karl Rove and watch him have a nervous breakdown when he sees his money fly out of the window on a campaign. There is also a low chance I will have the opportunity to tell Diane Sawyer during break giving my long detailed reasons on a failed campaign: "Drink, Drink, Water, Water, Wait..Drink, girl. If you aint drunk, you sure act like it when you are tired. Or, you are tired from being drunk. Either way. Someone really doesn't like you for appearing on camera like this. You might want to talk to your agent."
But like most...I do have a blog. And opinions.
Last night was a sincere nail biter for anyone who was on board from day one with the idea of the word "Forward" The only saving grace of being an Obama Supporter and a liberal in general is the idea that people really think we are this dreamer sort of faction.
Oh god. We are not. We are the most quietly cynical people on the face of the planet. We are amazingly snarky and funny when things don't work out. We are known to give up easily. We are the Charlie Brown's of ideology. And since most of us are sort of adamant about gun laws? We don't even get mad enough to want to take out someone when something goes wrong. Usually.
This, I really believe is what the Romney Campaign was hoping for. Us just giving up. Us not going out and voting. Us just watching Comedy Central and laughing at the idea that we just handed Colbert four more years of YES! with Mitt Romney.
And it probably would have worked too, except one thing happened: Mitt Romney scared the living shit out of us during primaries....then scrambled back to center sitting next to the President during the debates.
Even before the forty seven percent remarks, Mitt Romney scared the poo out of us standing next to the guy who wanted to keep church and state together and the Pizza Guy who wanted to put an electrified fence around Mexico. Sure. "Self Deportation" doesn't sound as scary as an electrified fence? But it is Holy SHIT! Inducing all the same.
Mitt Romney lost because he tried to be everything. Extremist right wing and then moderate conservative in the hopes that everyone sort of, kind of, maybe will forget the things he said.
Which is the other reason why he lost: The Mitt Romney Campaign was pegged as being the 1950's version of what people wanted to "Return to" Well. you can run your campaign on that, but you just cant "Conduct your campaign like it is 1950" in 2012.
It seemed to me that the Romney Camp and possibly Romney himself really thought people had a short attention span and would forget. This might be true with a twenty four hour news cycle. But unlike 1950's communication, that information stays up.
Mitt Romney lost the internet this way. Big.
It stays up for all purposes forever. It's immediate. Then it lasts forever. Binders of Women. Forty Seven Percent. Bert from Sesame Street Meme's saying "Shit Just got Real" for Big Bird. Forever captured on the internet and there forever in Meme, Facebook Parody Walls and Fake Twitter Accounts of Romney form.
The YouTube Videos of Josh Whedon warning of a Zombie Apocolypse with Zombney. That is there forever. With millions of hits.
Did you you know Spam has a key? Yea it does. That cynical joke will last forever not in favor of Mitt Romney's 1950's perceived election run.
The moment Romney decided to embrace the really shit inducing faction of the conservative party was the moment he did something he could never recover from: Convince someone like me...a girl with a penchant for pie, three chord guitar playing pants falling down in nice Pasadena Restaurants Mid Line Liberal to switch my vote from Obama to him. Nope. Not going to happen. And if for some reason I forget why? Well. I had the internet to remind me.
The moment he sided with the people who think I can take take a magic wand after rape and not have a hypothetical bunny appear out of my hypothetical hat nine months later? He scared me. You scared the shit out of me Mitt.
No amount of economic ideology or even the idea of trying to convince me that we are in a sluggish economy could make me change my mind on the balls nuts faction of your party standing on stage with you during the primaries or during the generals.
More importantly it scared Charlie Brown liberals awake. It was no longer ironic. It was no longer passively funny. As Bert said in the Meme: This Shit Just Got Real.
It woke us up. And put us immediately on the thing that is completely not 1950's: The Internet.
Its why once again, like in 2008 there were lines around the block waiting to vote. You didn't expect it. It happened.
You scared the shit outta of people, Mitt. Fifty percent of the country according to popular polls. A large majority of them would have probably voted for anyone besides our President. But decided you were just too....well Shit Inducing.
You seem like a nice enough fellow? But you scared the shit out of us all the same.
That sir...is why you lost.
We all looked at that meme and nodded in agreement. The Shit Got Too Real. You lost us and the internet.
Causes Shaun Landry Supports
The Alzheimer's Foundation, NAACP, Breast Cancer Foundation, Gilda's Club.