I remember the first time I heard the term Spank Bank.  It was in San Francisco and a male friend during the San Francisco Improv Festival announced with all the love and respect in the world that I was in his "Spank Bank"

Now keep in mind I'm not a stupid woman.  I immediately got the sexual reference.  There was no "What the hell does that even mean" that went across my mind when he said that.

I just knew.  I just knew he was storing me up as  a "Deposit in his memory" so later on down the line he could make a "Withdrawal" somewhere alone in any given place he masturbates.

You just cannot get anymore freaked out when a friend that you consider like a little brother, that you would never have sex with or even *thought* about having sex is using you as "Spank Material".

There was nothing I could do but "Thank him for the compliment"  I mean...it sort of was in an outward TMI sort of way:

"Well, gee.  He is masturbating to doing something wild and freaky with me.  Alrighty. Sure. I used to consider you like a little brother.  Now I consider you the freak in the family and wish to put you into therapy.  But, you are not my little brother, so it's *me with the problem*

Soo...every time I see you I guess I will remember to wear something nice and do my hair...so you can have new images to deposit in your Spank Bank because that is what friends are for". 

I started thinking about how guys make up some of the most hilarious terms for Masturbation. I can only assume most men feel that this is the one thing they do more than women and are so proficient at it that they have full Carte Blanche to giving it all sorts of names:

Choking the Chicken. Flog the Bishop.  Audition Your Hand Puppet.  And my personal favorite: Arguing with Henry Longfellow.

There are hundreds upon hundreds of them.  Today I decided to look up some for women.  I get onto Google and the first thing to pull up is Yahoo's Answer page where someone literally asks the question:  Slang for Female masturbation?

Underneath there are maybe about a hundred if it is lucky. None are that creative.  The one that made me actually chuckle was "Coming into your own"  

That must have been made up by a woman.  The rest sounds like dude stuff.  I cannot imagine a woman masturbating coming up with Muffin Buffin. 

With all of that, I also assume that the term Spank Bank was created specifically by a man for men.  For me in a male term it conjures up the moment in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates is at the pool and Judge Reinhold is storing her image up right then and there to "Spank Off" to...only to be caught by Cates herself.

Which of course...is fucking hilarious.

Some men would never assume us ladies have Spank Banks.  It comes with the whole "Virginal Sweet Girl" thing these same men immediately assume when they want to settle down with a girl...and is only for the slutty ones.

I cannot speak for every woman.  But I can speak for the conversations I have had with women at bars and lunches and me watching my girlfriends shop/gawk at non essential stuff at stores:  

Oh hell yea.  We have Spank Banks.

And the great thing about our Spank Banks is it gets us through those dry spells (figuratively and literally) when we are not having sex and yet we are super quiet about it.

Yup.  We are indeed imagining you...best guy friend who is straight on top of us.  Or going "Downtown to Neiman Marcus"

Downtown to Neiman Marcus.  That one is MINE.   

Sometimes (just like men) withdrawals from our Spank Bank occurs when the sex is really mediocre.  Close your eyes.  You are someplace else.  With someone who is doing it right.  And generally by some complete random action in the mediocre sex...he does something *right*.  So the withdrawal of you someplace else and the random occurrence of something right happening is helpful for Coming Into Your Own.

Spank Banks for women helps us to focus and not do the stereotypical idea of picking up the phone and talking to your mom during sex.  

When you get mad that we might be thinking about Denzel Washington...or a young Tom Hanks...or your best friend while having sex?  You should be thanking them. 

With all that said (and some might be wondering) My Spank Bank is full of win.  

The wonderfulness of my life does not entail having to pretend that I'm having sex with someone I have never had sex with.

All I have to do is go through the Spank Bank Account and withdraw a moment that I had during sex in the  twenty eight years of having sex (Yes.  Do the math with being born in 1965. I started late)

What gets me going is not just part in parcel to the actual act of remembering the sex.  For me (and maybe its because I'm a girl) It's the moments *leading up to the sex* or that one moment during sex that was so surreal in its sexiness or hilarity it gets me off.

My Favorite Spank Bank Withdrawal Moments:

• Sitting on a porch in-between a man's legs.  he is nuzzled up against my neck.  He asks me this question "So Shaun...what do you like"  It was the question of a lifetime for me as not one single man then or since (as Hans knows what I like) has asked me this.  In sheer disbelief I said to him:  What do I like?  A man ASKING ME WHAT I LIKE. 

Deposit in the Spank Bank.

• On the side of a bed with a guy.  He is splayed out on the bed looking good with his clothes still on. There is a moment a lot of guys do where they will pull up their shirts and scratch their tummies.  I love that.  That flash of skin with the trail of hair.  Sort of sexy. In that moment I didn't know what to  do.  So I just kind of held his hand and played with his fingers. Like a High School kid not knowing what to do.  Because I really did not know what to do.  I audibly said to him: "'I'm just going to lay down now next to you"...and that is what we did.  We lightly kissed each other.  Softly.  Sweetly.  I swear to god and all that is holy in that moment I saw the camera pull away from us to the blowing curtains.

Deposit in the Spank Bank. 

• Having sex in the lake in front of the state capital in Madison Wisconsin?  Spank Bank.  Being watched in the tub taking a bath while a man just stares at me?  

Spank Bank.  

• Getting lost trying to find the beach for the first time I ever had sex to find a patch of wooded area and literally saying out loud as he was "Going Downtown to Neiman Marcus" (trademark Shaun Landry) "OH MY GOD.  THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN".

That is a Twenty Eight Year Deposit I withdraw a lot from the Spank Bank.

So many of those moments I think about when I'm alone in the mornings when I "Come into my Own" to try to get the start of the day going in the best way possible.

It's the only bank I have where I have never had an overdraft.