Psst. Hey Tracy. You need to come over here. Naw brother for real. Put down the microphone for a hot moment and bring your ass over here.
Now my man. Get closer in. I need to whisper this to you.
Brother? You aint funny. You have never been funny. People tell you that you are, but you are not. You see my man they don't hire you because you can tell a coherent joke or that you have chops like Pryor or Murphy or Rock. You don't even have it together enough to be Sinbad, who was relatively amusing.
Remember how people were all Martin Lawrence is CRaaazy? Well you are not that either. Man...you're just plain embarrassing. I think that cop buddy movie sort of proved that.
Someone needs to finally hip this to you. I fall on that sword: You are not funny. Well, not comedically naturally funny. You are funny because you naturally act ridiculous.
I hate to tell you this my man, but do you even realize why you got hired on 30 Rock? Do you even *know*? You don't?
COME IN CLOSER my sorry, sorry brother: They hired you because you ARE that character: A little ego driven. Not as talented as he thinks. Not really particularly bright.
Sure, Fey and the casting directors of that show could have gone to Second City Chicago, The Groundlings, UCB Theater, iO West or iO Chicago and found at least seven talented African American men your weight height and size who do not have all of your "natural personality faults" like oh...former recovering EVERYTHING who thinks being gay is a "Lifestyle Choice" (like how you decided to make it a lifestyle choice to be a little too bloated for your frame), and had them use real acting abilities to just "Pretend" they are an "egomaniacal hack"
They picked you because you came pre made.
Remember when you talked about Charlie Sheen and what a mess he was? Well...come here cat and let me whisper this into your other ear: Everyone laughed at the irony of this coming from you. Two guys who let writers actually make fun of their worst personality traits. I'm sure you are sitting in your home right now (with your publicist doing whirly birds around the room with their "Morgan Excuses Rolodex' to try to dish out to the press) going "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING (sorry NUTHIN) WRONG!" You will wonder why an entire GLBT will band together and stop watching 30 Rock.
Be prepared to wonder why your job is in jeopardy. You just, in public, decided to spew what you actually believe. You don't even fall under the same category as Michael Richards. Outside of the fact that neither of you are good at stand up and need writers to be funny? Michael Richards melted down.
No Tracy. You are just kinda like this. Now regular people just know this is not some sort of act. And if it is you win. You win at beating Andy Kaufman in Schadenfraude. Oh...if you don't know: It means inflicting pain on others. I know. You don't hear that word that much trying to be a low end Def Comedy Jam.
Alright brother. Forget the whole gay thing. Lets' just focus in on the crazy violent thing. You just gave the impression that you would kill your own son after that rant for the act of being gay. I don't know if Tina ever told you this but I will: There is some Truth in Comedy. And sir...you just spewed your ugly truth all over Tennessee. A place, where if you are as big of a comedy hack as everyone thinks? You were pandering to an audience who just past Anti Gay legislation.
But lets even for a nano second (it is less than a second, Tracy) forget about the whole gay thing. You would kill your SON if he went against your sexual preference wishes? Brother! That is harsh. It's weird. IT'S NOT FUNNY. People are saying your stuff is anti gay. But I'm going to speak in terms you understand: It's Anti-Funny.
As for your "Face Time", listen cat: If you think you are one of the driving forces on 30 Rock...psst...come here: YOU. ARE. NOT. Just because the name of your character is the lead of a *fake comedy show* on a comedy series does not mean that them giving you the heave ho is going to end 30 Rock. On the contrary. Your incredible hatred and bigotry towards a "Your contract has not been renewed" is just a great way for the writers to breathe new life into 30 Rock. Just bring in another character to be the host of the show.
You said: "If they can take a man's Johnson up the behind they can take a joke (see how I cleaned that up for you for publication) Well sir. A slave that sounds amazingly like the word Figure is a dime a dozen (See HOW I CLEANED THAT UP??)
There are seven non homophobic, talented, naturally funny African American men who are completely normal who might finally get the chance that you have.
Now please don't say it. For the love of god. Please don't say when you start to apologize: I have a ton of gay friends.
Don't mention Obama again. Don't mention your son. Don't mention Lifestyle choices and not scientifically proven facts that have been around for decades and decades. Don't mention God. Don't mention women who just don't like penis as the cause of their Lesbianism. (double the points if you don't mention YOUR PENIS as the solution to a Lesbian's cure of Homosexuality).
Please don't. I beg of you.
Just shut up and let your publicist draft up an apology. Memorize it. And repeat it over and over again. Kind of the same the way the writers of 30 Rock do for you.
Don't listen to your heart or your head. There is no hope there. Just read from the script. Someone else's script. Just finally know who you are Tracy. I'm not saying you are not bright...I'm just saying you are not that particularly bright.
Okay. Everyone is wondering what I'm whispering. I'm going to be over here.
I'm sort of embarrassed to be a black comedian right now. Talking to you.
Causes Shaun Landry Supports
The Alzheimer's Foundation, NAACP, Breast Cancer Foundation, Gilda's Club.