It would be funnier if this was happening to someone else. was the sign that I noticed on the Nurse Practitioner's wall as she was desperately trying to give me Schwag (Yes. She used to live in L.A and a funtoid fact: Her father was in the same ICU ward and died around the same time as Groucho Marx.)
I asked her if I could have a copy of this as she is handing me off her first free copy ever of anything being a NP: The Feb. Issue of The Advocate with Kathy Griffin pretending to show Bush and a big star over her nads saying Hollywood Issue
To head to the pharmacy to get Ativan (lorazepam) and and Doxycycline. You see, these medicines they gave me are for the 20th. When they do this, I must bring a support person. My Husband to take me home. for the next week they are just hoping whatever is left in me just passes naturally without this procedure. But it is doubtful.
I wrote a while back that if I miscarried again, I would take out my husband, and every person who were horrible parents, then the ones who were not. All I could do was hold myself together enough when the barrage of I'm sorry's came. The one assistant trying to not have me cry in front of the other very happy and healthy pregnant women. The little Asian American woman just standing there while I was holding back tears. Smiling away waiting for her turn on the blood pressure machine.
The things you remember when you are in a lot of pain:
You would have made a great mother. Just looking at you, you would have made a great mother. You know what? Yes. I WOULD have. I would have been a fantastic mother.
Being called a martyr around the narcissistic world I reside in is not an uncommon occurance. Especially around people who use the phrasing libel/slander because they are not quite sure exactly which one to use. They are "Theater Majors" not "People with helpful life degrees"
The selfish petty little world of comedy. More than once has martyr been bantered about as an insult. And from that trying to be cruel, yet somehow retarded observation by people who would sell their mother for a chance to appear on Conan O'Brien covered head to toe in fake poo just so they can claim rights to that?
Just like Libel/Slander....They don't see that it is not a Martyr thing. It is a Matron Thing. Treating everyone around me like the child I never had. Giving your all, and expecting nothing in return. Because that is what moms and parents are supposed to do. Yes. That is how parenting sort of works.
Should have just had the kids at thirty two. Instead of hearing that I would be a great mother at 42. I already knew this. This is 20 years of having strays on my couch, in my fridge and passing out and vomitting in my home and front stoop. I pulled a lot of actor hair back from the toilet and told a lot drunk actor men that "They were still good people" after acting like numbnuts in public. If that is not a mother. Nothing is.
This would be funnier, it this was happening to someone else.
The things you remember when you are in pain.
I just want to tell you that this is not your fault. Says the NP. I smile and shake my head with a numbing yes. But that is not what I'm thinking.
IT IS MY FAULT HONEY!! OH HELLZ TO THE Y YEAH IT IS MY FAULT. Whose fault is it? Some absurd nature god? Some ethereal Science Overlord? Was it written in Sanskrit Haiku for the world to see?
Shaun Landry, listen
Waiting too long is not bad.
It is not your fault!
Twenty years ago there was nothing wrong with my ovaries. I got pregnant. Hans and I decided to not have this child. Even how I feel right now would never make me go screaming to the side of Pro Life as my life right now has been rich and the decision that I made was mine and mine and Hans alone.
Ten years ago I could have had a child. Nothing wrong with my ovaries. They were just protected with some incredible battle armor. Sponges and pills and other alternative forms of sex. You could not get close to my eggs if you tried. The two of us. Both having some excuse not to have children quite yet. Finally, at 38 saying we should now try this.
Oh hell to the Y yeah. This is no one's fault but mine. For us being completely self absorbed, self centered and self actualized actors and writers. It's My Bad. This Not Your Fault might work on another not so self actualized woman who waited too long with no medical health problems. I just look at you and smile weakly and just pretend, NP that you are absolutely correct.
Its all so damn funny. If it was only happening to someone else.
The things you remember when you are in pain
The NP calling twice when I finally got home. I tell her about the miscarriage Teddy Bears. The bears in the house that Hans has gotten me for the last two miscarriages to make me feel better. I told her I would tell him when he got home as I really did not need another Bad Luck Bear She advised me to get rid of the other two bears. Stupid Bad Luck Bears.
The thoughts before Hans got home of Marge Simpson's from The Simpson's Movie I just re watched: Lisa, you are a woman, you can hold on to anger forever.
Snippets of our conversations:
Him: What exactly did they say
Me: Something along of the lines of my eggs are too old
Him: They didn't say that!
Me: No. But it would have been funnier if they did.
Him: Baby, we can always adopt
Me: We can also get someone else's egg and your sperm
Him: Well, i don't want to do that
Me: Oh come on. A baby that is not by either of us...or a baby that is at least half ours. The NP said I could ask someone in the family
Him: WHAT?!? You mean like one of your nieces!
Me: (Long pause then huge laughter) yeah that would be awkward. Hey Jennifer,how is everything? That's great. Listen,can your aunt use one of your eggs? YIPES!
Me: I should just get an IUD and call this a day until Menopause
Him: We are going to keep trying if it kills me!
Me: Or kills ME.
Me: I'm tired of this. Three is the funny number. It is just not sticking. It is like trying over and over and not doing it right.
Him: Oh baby
Me: I feel like a political candidate who keeps running and never wins. (pause, sadly) I'm the Barry Goldwater of pregnancies.
They have put me on bed rest until the 20th. I have never written in this sort of mind numbing emotional pain. So this is a journey of its own.
It should at least be *a little funny*
Because, it aint happening to you.
Causes Shaun Landry Supports
The Alzheimer's Foundation, NAACP, Breast Cancer Foundation, Gilda's Club.