I Got It. Right HERE!

January 4, 2008

It’s a small empowerment for women around the world and I would like to share.

Watching the Iowa Caucus on CNN, Anderson Cooper comes on with The Magic Pie Chart. At one point they could not get this floating pie chart to come up. Finally, in the worst GCI graphics I have ever seen, it starts floating around, causing titters from the other newscasters on the floor.

One would assume that people who watch CNN actually watch it for biting political commentary. Not us. My husband and I watch CNN to see what is the most amusing non sequitur satire we can get out of it.

What the hell was that? My husband bellows, laughing.

The worst Magic Pie Chart. Evah. I say standing next to the couch.

That was brutally ridiculous. He says

Yeah I got your Magic Pie (I grab my crotch) RIGHT HERE!

It was empowering. It also becomes the joke of the evening.

A pack of Marlboro Lights 72’s (72% more cancer? 72% more halitosis? I have not figured that out yet).

Wow, those stink! My husband bellows.

Yeah. They taste weird too. I say.

Stinky and tastes weird. Sounds great he says.

Hey! I got your stinky and weird taste....

Empowering.

What I miss about Classic Feminism (the kind in my family where strong women also meant a wicked sense of sarcasm) is not only a sense of self-empowerment but also the biting and self-reflective sense of humor that comes along with it.

Men have gotten away with “I got your (something like a crotch or a penis) RIGHT HERE” for years.

I wish to claim this for women:

• I got your secure lock Right HERE!
• I got your DSL box Right HERE!
• I got your Lane Bryant Package RIGHT HERE!

I wish to reclaim it not only with the correct double entendres, but with ones that make no logical sense. Just like men who get it comically wrong:

• I got your Obama volunteering…RIGHT HERE!
• I got my taxes paid online… RIGHT HERE!
• I got your pattern of abusive behavior…RIGHT HERE!

So ladies, hear my cry! Let’s grab and cheer! Let’s go into that bar drinking and scream proud and loud while holding on strong

I GOT YOUR VIRGIN DRINK ... RIGHT HERE! **

**Don’t use Bloody Mary. That is just disgusting.