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Cancelling MySpace: Breaking up with Tom is harder than you think.
It's not you, it's me, Tom.

Maybe I'm the asshole in this relationship.  You know, I meet this great guy named Tom who does all of this Social Networking stuff for me.  He lets me store my pictures and videos in his garage.  He lets me use his online account to meet all of his other friends and in turn I introduce my friends to him.  They in turn store their pictures and videos in his garage.

Tom has a big ass garage.

It's a whirlwind relationship with Tom.  He even sponsors one of my bru ha ha's.  He gives me banners to hang up and promotes it to all of my new friends.

 Then the relationship sort of "cools off"  You know, his garage door opener keeps breaking down and it's harder to get my stuff in and out of his garage. It's harder to get a hold of him for help.  His friends that he is introducing me to are getting creepier and creepier.  Thing is, It's becoming harder and harder to tell Tom that I really don't like the people he is associating with.  Maybe that is my bad.  I should have said something.

Maybe I'm the asshole.

Our relationship starts drifting away.  I leave a lot of my stuff in his garage and sort of stop hanging out with him.  I don't return phone calls or invites.   I then meet someone who will let me store my stuff a little more securely that is easier to get to and not as hard to get his garage door open.

His name is Mark.  Mark Zuckerberg.  Sure, Mark has a butt ton of problems, but he is looking a little sexier than Tom.  

As the years pass I took some of my stuff out quietly from Tom's garage.  I removed three sections of my stuff from Tom's place.  I left only one.  All of my theater company's stuff.

You know when you break up with someone and you still try to be friends and most of the time that never works out?  This is sort of what happened today.

I get this annoying email from Tom regarding the remaining stuff I still have in his garage.  I really have not been in his garage in over two years.  The stuff he has in his space is so old it is no longer needed.  Besides, I moved copies of all of that stuff over to Mark's massive warehouse.  

So I go over to Tom's Place.  Man.  It's sort of tragic.  I walk in and he is trying desperately to look like Mark's place.

Know the boyfriend you break up with and all of a sudden he starts trying to look like and do the things that your current boyfriend is doing to impress you and it is so tragic you don't know what to say?  You know. He is wearing the same clothes but they don't fit him well?  He has a stereo system just like your boyfriend's, but he doesn't know how to plug it in?

I feel sorry for Tom. It's creepy, yet sad. 

So I try to sneak my stuff out by going to his garage and clicking the "Cancel our Relationship Button" trying to quietly sneak away into the night with my stuff.

Oh no.  Tom is not having any of that. 

There he was.  With a little light by my stuff.  In a chair smoking a cigarette in one hand and rolling a pair of steel balls in the other.  The glow from his face making him look like a film noir character.  From the look on his face, it looks like he has been sitting there for a very long time.  Waiting.

He tells me in a calm cold manner with a really scary smile: I'm sorry. Cancellation of our relationship isn’t available at the moment. Don’t worry, I'm not forcing you to stay with me (though I hate to see you go). Until we get this fixed, visit my living room on how you can end this with me.

I ask him why I just cannot get my stuff right now.  But he takes a long drag off of his smoke, clanks those two steel balls loudly and just points me to the house.

So I make the ascent to his home.  The long stairs up into that creepy rundown mansion.  The unattended to lawn.   I walk into the living room and THERE HE IS!  How did he get so quickly to the...

I don't question anymore.  He sits there with the never ending cigarette and those loud clanking steel balls in his hands and gives me more instructions.  I'm sweating.  A little nervous.  I feel like I should just run and let him keep my stuff.  But I hold fast to listening to his instructions.  I mean, I'm the asshole, right?  I mean...I have to listen to his demands:

  1. Go back to My Garage
  2. hover over Your Stuff (in the upper left hand corner of my garage) if you choose To pick up your stuff
  3. There is a sign that says About Shaun (on the left, with red magic marker and white out)
  4. remove all the content from the About Shaun with the white out
  5. write "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE" where About Shaun on the sign used to be
  6. put the sign right in the middle of all of your stuff so everyone here including my friends can see it.
  7. then visit my attic
  8. find the table in the attic and write a note to me  
  9. in your note write About Your Stuff as a Category, and write Delete Our Relationship as the sub-topic
  10. leave and wait for further instructions.

I just stood there.  I didn't know what to say.  I mumbled something about "I'm sorry this didn't work out" but he just pointed to the attic with his cigarette hand.  A long ash hanging on and not dropping.

So I hurried to the attic and did everything that he said.  I didn't really want to see him leaving so I opened up the attic window and shimmied down the drain pipe.

...and there he was.  At the bottom of the drain pipe. 

It was still daylight outside but he seemed to be engulfed in a dark cloud of despair and hate.  He smiled, making the dark circles under his eyes even more menacing.  I shrieked and told him "I DID EVERYTHING YOU SAID...Please let me leave"

He handed me a sheet of paper.  It was the note from the attic i *just wrote*!  How did he get up to the attic and then by the drain...

I didn't ask. I just didn't ask.  I looked at my note, then back at him.  His voice seemed like it was auto tuned with extra reverb.  A wind came in and started wafting the smoke from his cigarette into my face he said to me:


Remember, once you delete our relationship Shaun, you can’t get any part of it back. So if you’re not sure about ending this with me, you can preserve our love, relationship and what I meant to you by deleting all of your friends so they don't know we are still together and letting our relationship known only to “Us.” This way you can still enjoy cool features like My Garage, My Living Room and My Attic.

Now I'm just angry.  "Hey crazy.  I want out of this!" I say with one hand on my hip,  "I never wish to see your crazy ass again!  Get my shit out of your garage!"

Tom is just standing there with a blank expression on his face.  It's as though he has done this a million times to thousands of people.  How many failed relationships has this man been through in the last few years?

He drones out my next instructions with my note in his hand:

If you are sure you want to finally end this with me, here’s what you do:

  1. Go back to My Garage
  2. hover over Your Stuff (in the upper left hand corner of my garage) if you choose To pick up your stuff
  3. There is a sign that says About Shaun (on the left, with red magic marker and white out)
  4. remove all the content from the About Shaun with the white out
  5. write "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE" where About Shaun on the sign used to be
  6. put the sign right in the middle of all of your stuff so everyone here including my friends can see it...

"JESUS CHRIST" I yell, "I did this!  For the love of god, Tom.  Set me and my stuff free!  It's over.  Look at me Tom.  Look at me.  It was really good once upon a time.  I still love what you did for me, but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore.  Great god man.  Move on."

He stood there.  Defeated and sad.  He looks at my note I gave him and says:

Respond to this note, leaving the subject intact, and I will delete our relationship.

"GREAT GOD, Here is my response intact...It's OVER" I yell at him.

Tom just stood there.  A few seconds later he distinguished his cigarette, put the steel balls back into his pocket and slowly walked over to his garage.  

I watched him walk away with a trodding gait and his ill fitting clothes that Mark has.  I felt sad for him.  I know he thinks I'm ungrateful for everything that he has done for me.

But things end, you know?

Maybe I'm the asshole.

4 Comment count
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I don't know what to say about this

I think you are talking metaphorically about trying to get rid of my space and onto facebook, but I'm not entirely sure, since I never was on my space. Geez, I hope it isn't that hard to get rid of facebook whenever it's shelf life is gone. He knows my whole family, and where they all live!

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All I know is this:

Friendster shrugged and gave me my toothbrush back pretty quickly when I headed over to Tom's.

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The Bastard

He should have at least tried to be sincere, even if he was faking it.

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On second thought

Maybe it was good he gave it to you quickly. If I were in a similar situation and had time to brood about how you had done me wrong, there's no telling what I would have done with that toothbrush before giving it back to you. They work good for cleaning grout, I hear.