I have a few new bits to add to my little bibliography.
There are a small handfull of ezines that I really love and no they don't pay but being included in them and having editors tell me that they really love something I've done is a really lovely thing.
That feeling makes me feel like an artist.
I keep forgetting to log in here although I come by and read quite often.
At some point recently I decided to finally write an actual novel. I have done Nanowrimo in the last few years and produced some good things. Those however were exercises in pure excess where I threw everything I could think of into them for my own amusement.
This project..this novel (it still feels weird to say that) is a.) a story I want to read and b.) has been knocking around inside me for a long time.
It's a queer flavored junkie love story of sorts.
I'm writing about my people.
Of course writing from a male POV, I tried (I'm not sure why) really hard for awhile to write from a female perspective more often but despite being a cis gender female, my voice is almost always male and somewhat if not entirely queer.
I stopped fighting with myself about it.
No I don't have a book deal, I don't have an editor, I don't have an agent all I have is a story.
And despite being terrified of this whole new process I am still very excited about finally doing it.
Essentially I decided that yes it might be awful as many first novels are.
It might not.
But whjatever I'm not getting any younger and regardless of my (terribly frequent) personal decisions to try and evict writing as my calling, it's just not gonna happen.
And that's okay.
I've also accepted the fact that as hard as I try my grammar is still not great. All I can do is try my very best and beg my friends who have better grammar to help when I need it.
I've accepted that I like to write about strange things and that's okay.
I don't know what flipped on or off in my psyche that has caused me to let so much fear go but it happened and I am deeply thankful.
That's about all.