When I went to bed, every guy in the world looked like Gob or wanted to look like Gob. When I woke up it was David Cross everywhere. Every guy in America had grown a sturdy bottom-heavy beard, gone a little bald, and stuck horn rimmed glasses high on his nose.
Dr. _____: You seem like you’re having a problem with this?
Me: I really am. Everybody looks like a farmer.
Dr. _____: Maybe some of them are farmers.
Me: Maybe. But I thought we had less farmers.
Dr. _____: Who’s counting?
Me: We all know the government is counting.
I remember when Neil Young was the only guy in North America who had long hair and no beard. His bands had the coolest names, too. Crazy Horse. Buffalo Springfield. Very western and manly, enough so that he didn’t need a beard.
Full disclosure: growing a beard drives me crazy.
Dr. _____: Perhaps you have a skin condition. Or something from your childhood?
Me: It just itches and grows like weeds in a sidewalk.
I challenge anybody to walk down a city street – the street where condos have been built in the past six years or else there’s a new Chipotle nearby – and try to tell the white guys apart. You won’t be able to do it. Everybody looks like Jack Johnson’s band. Or Mumford & Sons. Plaid shirts and trucker hats and expressions that tell you “don’t fuck with me because I’m cool and I have a cell phone and my girlfriend is an attorney.”
Even Tobias Funke doesn’t look like that anymore. He looks like David Cross now. And David Cross wrote a book and grew a beard and says things like “don’t waste my time by friending me on Facebook.”
Full disclosure: David Cross did not accept my friend request. L
I looked it up and saw that Schick and Gillette have imperiled stocks. Think of it this way: nobody buys batteries anymore and Energizer’s stock has fallen by nearly double digits in recent quarters. Old dudes are still shaving. But what happens when we’re out of old dudes?
Dr. _____: It bothers you that young people don’t wear black anymore.
Me: It really does.
Dr. _____: Times change, Stan. You have to accept it.
Me: But they all look like farmers. And I thought we had less farmers than before.
You’d be surprised how many shirts old dudes have that they could sell to young hipsters. There are tens of thousands of short-sleeve shirts – vintage plaid, in all colors (but mostly ruddy earth tones) – in the closets of old men. Fortunes hanging above Velcro sneakers. People could make a mint selling these retro shirts.
(Man, I love it when Jett Rink loses his shit at the end of Giant. I’m trying to watch a movie while I’m typing this up.)
I passed up on a chance to buy David Cross’ book recently, mainly because there’s a little picture of him on the dust jacket. Standing there, holding a microphone, all smiling, probably telling his hipster, farmer-looking audience “don’t fuck with me because I’m cool and I have a cell phone and my girlfriend is an attorney.”
Dr. _____: Do you hold grudges against people you’ll never meet?
Me: All the time. Like clockwork.
Dr. _____: Hold on, Stan … that’s my phone …
Me: Sure. Answer away. I’ll just stare out your window at this guy who’s walking up to his Range Rover …
Causes Sean Jackson Supports
PFLAG, Amnesty International, AA, Catholic Social Services