Years ago, I had an affair with a younger man. If you could call him a man. Even now, nearly twenty years later, I can think of a lot of curse words that would be more appropriate.
So, what would you call someone who intentionally tried to drive you insane?
I was twenty-six, minding my own business and trying to live a quiet adult life under the radar. I just bought my first house with a boyfriend. We lived an ordinary life, usually without any words between us and the words we spoke only had a mild undertone of hostility.
In truth, I was bored, I was stuck, and I was primed for seduction.
Like I said, I was minding my own business at work, standing at a medicine cart (I'm a nurse), checking off given prescriptions, when a coworker named, Aaron leaned his torso against my back and whispered in my ear, “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“It” was an invitation to a local nightclub, but the chivers that ran from my ear to my seat said he had other intentions in mind. A girl knows these things. I politely said, “No, I can’t.”
“But you want to.” Then once again his pressed whisper, “don’t you.”
Honestly, I will not two-time a man. I will not cheat on a man, then go to his bed.
This is what I told my husband early in our relationship when the little jealousies and suspicions came to visit, “If I'm cheating, you’ll come home, and I’ll be gone…period.”
The morning after Aaron, my boyfriend came home, I was gone. I left him a message. I got an apartment and will be back in a few days to get my things.
I'd been settled in my apartment for two weeks. Every night, Aaron came over, we snuggled on the couch, cozyed up in bed.... then one evening in the middle of a sitcom he says, “I gonna take my ex-girlfriend to her prom tomorrow. Then we’re gettin’ a room in Wildwood.”
Immediately, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I told him to, “Get the F--- out!”
Two days later, Aaron called me when he got back from Wildwood. He was all sweet and convincing. He desperately missed me the one night we were apart, and that now he knew we were soul mates, a perfect fit together. He begged me to come over, so I did.
In case you didn’t catch that, this is the turning point for all victims of abuse. Aaron knew this, I Know He Did!
After an evening of hanging out, watching TV, and a passionate make up, he told me dryly, “You have to go. I don’t want you sleepin’ here anymore.”
It was like a punch in the gut.
But the next evening he was on my doorstep as if nothing happened. Again he was all sweet, convincing, came in, cuddled on the couch, cozied up. Then wham… “I’m not feelin’ this tonight. I’m goin’ home.”
In case you don’t realise, this is the mental abuse cycle. I’m pretty sure it’s the same cycle that sent the astronaut, Lisa Nowak on a mission, made Lorena Bobbit castrate her husband, it probably had a hand in Amy Fisher’s trigger finger, and I'm positive mental abuse got poor Brittney Spears shaving her head. I recognize this special abuse trait in all of their men. These mental abuisers are quite cleaver.
Remember folks, every small jab from a fisted tongue lowers your guard for the next hit, and every time you spit away your feelings in silence, you spit away pieces of your soul.
Completely by accident, I was about to get my soul back, and it still scares me to this day to think what could have happened.
We continued, back and forth, come, go... leave, stay.
This became my new standard for living. Every time Aaron pulled back, I needed him more. I needed him to feel something because without him, I felt worthless, unloveable and dead.
Then one night we're in his bed. He sits up and says, “I met this cute girl. I’m thinking about asking her out.”
I honestly don’t remember the details because I was that far gone, but I remember standing outside of Aaron’s bedroom door screaming and holding a bloody six-inch piece of broken glass. I remember realizing the blood was probably mine because Aaron was alive and screaming back at me, calling me a crazy B----.
I walked home in a daze, then called an ambulance because the glass was deeply embedded in my hand, and being a nurse, I knew tendons were torn and it was best not to remove it.
Well, the loss of my hand for a month kept me out of work and away from Aaron. I also decided to stay with my parents for awhile in another town. By the time I was ready to go back to my apartment, I was strong again.
The very same evening I returned home, Aaron called and said he saw my light on. I could hear the joy in his voice, “Hey, I just made dinner. Wanna come over?”
I won my life back in a single click!
Aaron’s name was changed, but I’m sure if he reads my book, “Kate, Blue Jeans and a Single Shot” he will no doubt think he’s the sweet, charming, leather-jacketed nice guy. Truth is yes, he had a part in Blue Jeans. After I shook Aaron out of his worn leather jacket and jeans, I put them on Blue to represent my triumph over evil. Aaron is the last of my unsaid goodbyes that became a single character named, Blue Jeans,, which was what the Diamonds and Rust Series was all about.
To: Rick, Clare, and Randy, I love you.