How to Play the Harmonica: and Other Life Lessons, by Sam Barry; Foreword by Dave Barry by Sam Barry

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My campaign manager, international man of mystery Shahram Shirazi, recently reminded me that I am running for mayor of San Francisco. Shahram graduated from MIT and Stanford. If we know nothing else about Shahram, we know this: back in the day he was a damn good student.

This will be the hallmark of my administration: competent handlers. I will surround myself with people who are intelligent and know what’s going on, so that even when I am unconscious San Francisco will run like a well-lubed machine. The people working for me—I mean, for the city—can concentrate on the details (San Francisco) while I focus on the big picture, preferably at the Balboa Movie Theatre.

The world is shifting and San Francisco must shift with it. We must keep up with the times. Here are some of the major initiatives I will undertake as mayor of San Francisco:

• A thorough update of San Francisco’s Wikipedia page: It’s crucial that the city’s Wikipedia page be accurate. However, since Wikipedia policy is that no one with a conflict interest should edit the page, I will ask a teenager who lives in Omaha, Nebraska and has never been west of the Rockies to handle this important task.

• Snow preparation: this Winter, for the second time since 1976, it snowed in San Francisco. As flurries fell, the Federal government failed to act and it soon became clear the city was woefully unprepared. I will see to it that every home is equipped with a snow shovel and toboggan.

• With the help of leading business leaders I will make sure we are poised to be a leader in today’s leading fields: biotech, online technology, and pre-packaged rice and macaroni products.

As one of the great cities on the edge of the Pacific Rim, San Francisco is in a position to capitalize on the rise of China, and if necessary, to secede from the United States and join China. Oh, sure, we’re a little smaller than Shanghai, but if you combine the populations of San Francisco, Daly City, Oakland, Berkeley, Emeryville, and Sausalito, we are almost 1/10th Shanghai’s size.

Anyhow, size isn’t everything. We have cable cars. We have the Golden Gate Bridge. We have Alcatraz. We have Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. We have flowers in our hair. We have Ben Fong-Torres.

Why, among the many able candidates, am I the right person to be the mayor of San Francisco? Because. If you have any further questions please see my campaign manager Shahram, who went to MIT and Stanford.

See you at the Balboa. I’ll be the one sleeping down in front with flowers in my hair.