Today we are going to talk about an issue of concern to many American parents: virtual children. It’s hard enough raising brick and mortar children in these troubled times, what with the proliferation of drug abuse, rampant sexuality, and the skyrocketing cost of higher education. The challenges for parents of virtual children are even more daunting. For instance, digital children are denied the scholarships, student aid, and loans that make it possible for many brick and mortar children to go to college. Virtual children are often refused service in restaurants, where their presence is simply ignored. On the other hand, there are bonuses—virtual children get into movies for free.
I am the father of two brick and mortar children, Daniel and Laura. But as many readers of The Daily Sam know, I am also the father of a virtual child, Keaton. I discovered this earlier in the year when the Human Resources Department of the company I work for, Carper Hollins Publishing (not the real name of the company), informed me that Keaton had been added to my Edna (not the real name) health care plan. Despite repeated attempts on my part to establish that I wasn’t a new father, the kid just won’t go away. I keep getting Edna health care cards with Keaton’s name printed on them, right along with me, Kathi, Daniel, and Laura; and several readers of this blog have reported seeing Keaton buying beer and hanging out with members of Congress. Or maybe they were drinking beer with members of Congress and they saw Keaton. At any rate, I have come to realize that Keaton is our responsibility and that we will be putting him through college.
I have also become an expert in the field of financial planning for families with virtual children, offering seminars on the subject and producing half hour infomercials where I sell virtual clothing, toys, educational aides, etc. My recommendation to you parents of virtual children is this: make a lot of money. If you make a lot of money, you can afford college tuitions and by lots of other cool stuff, too! Good luck.