San Francisco, February 1 — While America slept, complacent in our belief that we were safe, the enemy returned to our land.
At first we did not want to believe it was true. We saw the shadows in our windows, heard the flapping of wings, but unable to face the truth, we continued on in our happy-go-lucky frame of mind.
However, our denial of the facts does not make their presence any less real. Our Enemy of old has at length returned, and while our vigilance has slackened, their power has grown.
You will remember that in March and April of last year, while you went on with your carefree lives of play and fun, raising families and forming gigantic, unstable financial institutions, I alone was fighting off the pigeon invasion of the Western Unites States, and in particular my roof and light well. I put forth my strength and drove the winged demons back, but since that time I have remained ever-vigilant, scanning the skies and sidewalks of San Francisco for signs that the pigeons might again be on the move. I knew they were out there, waiting, watching with their beady little eyes.
It now appears that their retreat was only a feint designed to conceal their true diabolical intent. The pigeons have returned in force. I repeat—the pigeons are back in my light well, filling it with the sound of their cooing as they poop all over our great land. Even now they openly declare themselves, mocking me with their sordid mating dance.
Why was our generation chosen to face this perilous evil? Why is it I who must fight these monsters? Such questions cannot be answered. I do not have great wisdom or extraordinary might, but I have been chosen, and therefore I will use the strength and heart and wits I have to save us from Them.
Pray that I succeed.