Hi. My name is Sam and I am a candy addict.
God it feels good to say that. I think I’ll have a piece of gum to celeb—No!
Let me start over. My name is Sam and I am a candy addict. I roam the HarperOne offices (I work there, so I do have a reason to be roaming around), searching, always searching for more candy. Lately my source has been the gum over on Abby Berendt’s desk, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. There’s also the gum in Bjorn Bakksad’s inbox; the gum drops in Claudia Boutote’s office; and the bubble gum and mints on Julie Burton’s desk. (There used to be gum in Cynthia DiTiberio’s office, but I think she’s hiding it now. I’m not sure why.) Then there’s the Halloween candy, the chocolates we get from vendors around the holidays—the list goes on and on.
It all started innocently enough. People would bring a bag of Twizzlers or Red Vines, depending on if they were East Coast (represent!) or West Coast (represent!). Then Gideon Weil discovered a stash of dark chocolates that our marketing and publicity department used for giveaways. Gideon was not a good influence—every day he would encourage me, suggesting that I get each of us a chocolate from Jenn Jensen's cube. So, being a good guy, every day after lunch I snatched some chocolate, and soon it wasn’t just a little post-lunch dessert—it was a necessity.
And it isn’t just work. When I walk into fancy restaurants I am more interested in the mints I will get on my way out, and sometimes on my way in, then I am in the food. I’ll even walk into a restaurant and pretend I am waiting for a table just to get the candy. And the Jelly Belly factory is like Mecca to me.
But it gets worse. At the office almost anything that you leave in our kitchen will get eaten. If you put a bowl of wood shavings in there it will be scarfed down by the end of the day. Lost children and small animals are in real danger if they wander into our kitchen. So, when something is rejected by the group, you know it has to bad. This only happens to weird products, like the oversized red, white, and blue Valentine-style heart shape candies with generic patriotic messages such as “Be Proud” printed on them in deadly blue ink that Dwight Been bought at Walgreen’s. Dwight didn’t put these in the kitchen because he was being generous; he abandoned them in the kitchen because they sucked. Which, as it turned out, was the unanimous consensus of the HarperOne staff. Even I thought they sucked. But did that stop me from eating them?
And that’s why, one day at a time, starting tomorrow, I am giving up candy.