A matter of great consequence has come to my attention; something so important to the future of the United States that I could not in good conscience remain silent. I am, as you have no doubt already guessed, referring to the Wilton Dimensions® Giant Cupcake Pan.
This ground-breaking kitchen device was brought to my attention by Dwight Been, a designer at HarperOne and a former member of the Dolly Parton tribute band Parton Me who really ought to focus more on his work. Dwight, think of me as your example for laser-like work focus.
Dwight was watching television the other day when he saw an ad for the Dimensions® Giant Cupcake Pan, the baking pan that is turning the cupcake world upside down. Here, for instance, is one reviewer’s take on this revolutionary cupcake pan:
“Wow this giant cupcake pan is the perfect pan to create one giant cupcake with! This is a fine quality cupcake baking pan that also includes various cupcake recipes for you to try for your next giant cupcake party. Use this giant cupcake pan to make a special birthday cake in the shape of a cupcake for your friends. You can use this giant cupcake pan to make a giant cupcake as a bridal shower cake or you just could make a big cupcake and decorate it any way you want just because you want too!”
I am relieved to know that there are plenty of recipes for my next giant cupcake party; I was so embarrassed at the last one. And I was grateful to read that I can “make a big cupcake and decorate it any way you want just because you want too.” Too often we Americans take our freedom for granted. If we want to make enormous cupcakes just because, then damn it, we will.
Dwight, being a man from San Francisco and thus slightly un-American in his thinking, had a different reaction to the Wilton Dimensions® Giant Cupcake Pan. He wondered why anyone would want a giant cupcake.
Get a clue, Dwight. This is how capitalism works. This product wouldn’t be available if there wasn’t huge, pent-up demand for giant cupcakes.
Dwight made another snide comment about the Wilton Dimensions® Giant Cupcake Pan: “If it’s a GIANT cupcake, then it isn’t a cupcake—it’s a cake.”
That’s exactly what the nay-sayers said to Henry Ford and Thomas Edison. “That isn’t a cupcake!” they cried as Edison turned on his incandescent light bulb. “It’s just a cake!” they shouted as Ford drove by on his horseless carriage.
Where would the world be if Ford and Edison had listened to Dwight Been and stopped development of the giant cupcake pan? I’ll tell you where: performing in a Dolly Parton tribute band. And boy, does she have some cupcakes on her!