First there was language. Than there was agriculture. Then there was toilet paper.
And now there is the iPad.
Introduced yesterday at Apple headquarters by Steve Jobs, Leonard Nimoy, and the Dalai Lama, the iPad presents humanity with a choice: do we stay in the forest, hanging from the limbs of trees and throwing fruit on the animals down below and laughing, or do we climb down, stand upright, and run for our lives from all the animals we pissed off?
The world has changed immensely in my brief lifetime. When I was a child I walked to school with a clear plastic Bic™ pen in my pocket that leaked all over my thigh, resulting in an embarrassing blue blotch on my pants. We had wrist watches that had to be manually wound up to keep them running, and to make a phone call outside our home we were obliged to find a payphone and put coins in it. (Also, these payphones actually worked. Really.) When our British overlords oppressed us we fought back, ultimately obtaining our independence.
Today’s kids don’t understand how hard it was. If we missed a favorite TV show we had to wait until summer to see the re-run. And there were only about three shows that mattered, anyhow. Now there are nine million shows showing on 700,000 channels and online platforms.
But with the introduction of the iPad we have entered an exciting new universe. We will be able to watch any movie, show, or cartoon we want, and play any game we want, even during a boring class or meeting. No one will know because we will be invisible. That’s right—the iPad has an invisibility function. The iPad has a transporter beam to move you anywhere you want on the globe, and if you buy the expensive version, to nearby planets and moons. Also, the iPad will allow us to travel through time and talk to dead people.
All of which raises a question—what if the iPad falls into the hands of terrorists? So far we have managed to protect our precious national resources (i.e. episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants and 24) from the deadly clutches of Osama bin Laden. But with the iPad our enemies can watch anything they want. They will have access to all our secrets. They can go on FaceBook. They can even use Google Maps! Quick—someone call the White House! Steve Jobs must be stopped!
Also, there’s still no replacement for a good role of toilet paper.