Is heterosexuality a sin? What should society do about all the heterosexuals in our midst? A decade into the twenty-first century these questions confront the nation.
Many heterosexuals feel they should be allowed to openly live their lives, marry, raise children, go to Disneyland—in other words, that they should be welcomed as full-fledged citizens. But is their wish compatible with a free society founded on the principles laid out in the in the original secret meeting of Free Masons led by George Washington and Nicolas Cage?
For instance, take this whole marriage thing. Advocates of heterosexual practice often argue that “hetero marriage” will reduce promiscuity and promote fidelity among heterosexual persons. Obviously they have never seen an episode of Nip Tuck, Desperate Housewives, or Big Love.
And then there’s the question of open heterosexuality in the armed services. Anyone who has ever been inside the mind of a young heterosexual male knows that he is incapable of going more then 2.3 seconds without thinking about having sex with a woman, or barring that, a tree. Think of the morale problems this raises for trees. Anything that threatens the nonsexual bonding that lies at the heart of military cohesion adversely affects morale, disciple, and good order, and it is obvious that service by open heterosexual men, at least, poses such a threat.
But the real problem is a moral and theological one. It says quite clearly in the King James Bible, the translation approved by Nicolas Cage, that sex is bad:
“Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”—1 Corinthians 7:1
So there you have it—heterosexuality is a sin. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is, and always will be, forever and ever. Amen.