In light of the recent very public marital scandal involving Des Moines, Iowa handyman Hubert Bothem, it seems that the time has come for the Daily Sam to step up and offer some basic tips and guidelines for how to properly have an affair. America has changed since the days when George Washington confessed to his wife Martha that he had “chopped down a cherry tree.” A national hero, Washington was lauded for his honesty, while Martha went on to make numerous appearances on The Montel Williams Show.
Contrary to what Senator Jim DeMint (R, South Carolina) thinks, Americans are fairly traditional in their views on marriage and fidelity. We are tough on adulterers: if you have an affair you will have to confess on television and give up your sponsorship deals, no if, ands, or buts. However, there are signs that Americans may be a wee bit inconsistent on these matters, collectively speaking. The evidence of a disconnect between our public stance and our private behavior is most in evidence on Capitol Hill, where some of the most aggressive moralizers give speeches daily about the decline and fall of American integrity. The term that comes to mind is “hypocrite.”
One of the big mistakes that people make when they have an affair is the inability to resist bragging, which is known as notch-in-belt syndrome, and the related tendency to confess everything, or kiss-and-tell syndrome. Since most human beings and even some androids are gossips, the next thing you know everyone knows your business. This brings to mind the great Hank Williams Sr.’s song “Mind Your Own Business,” which is how Kathi Kamen Goldmark and her all-star band Los Train Wreck have been ending their monthly jam in San Francisco for years. (Often Los Train Wreck’s rhythm section, the famous two tons of fun Paul Olguin and Peter Tucker, are engaged in unmentionable acts even as they play this last song, but I am going to heed Hank’s advice and say no more about it.)
The Daily Sam has a solution. When the overwhelming urge to talk to someone about your affair comes, tell someone you don’t know! For instance, if you live in Brooklyn, New York, just look up a random person in the Des Moines phone book, call them, and tell them the whole sordid tale. Of course this person will be baffled and will have a number of questions: who are you; why did you call the Popeyes Chicken franchise on Merle Hay Road in Des Moines, Iowa, if you’re from Brooklyn; why do you talk so funny; what’s your order, etc. Don’t answer any of these questions. And I would suggest you never call this person again, unless you want to have an affair with them.
Another solution to the whole dilemma is to become a movie star. Americans hold movie stars to lax moral standards, which is a good thing, because the movie stars hold themselves to even more lax standards. The rest of us Americans are shocked, shocked by the behavior of Hollywood glitterati, many of whom have slept with Senator Jim DeMint. Other job options that give you a pass on the usual moral standards (whatever they are) include drug kingpin and beekeeper.
In sum: mind your own business, don’t brag, don’t kiss and tell, if you have to talk to someone call the Popeyes on Merle Hay Road in Des Moines, Iowa. I’ll have the Louisiana Tenders.