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The Daily Sam: A New Direction for San Francisco

Many of San Franciscans have been asking me where I, Sam Barry, future mayor of San Francisco, stand on the budget mess. Perhaps you feel I have been ignoring this looming problem—playing my harmonica, as it were, while Rome burned.

Fellow Romans, I have this to say about that: I am really sorry to hear there is a mess. I hate messes. But since we have one, we must stop squabbling like a bunch of schoolchildren. We must get back to our desks, sharpen our pencils, and memorize our multiplication tables.

Under my leadership San Francisco will once again be the great city that Dirty Harry policed, only maybe without the diabolical serial killer running loose. As your mayor, I will restore San Francisco to its former glory, when Jeanette MacDonald, Clark Gable, and Jerry Garcia bestrode our hills, arm in arm. My first action will be to have our city join together to sing one of San Francisco’s great anthems, so beautifully immortalized by Judy Garland:

Rubber Duckie, you’re the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Duckie, I’m awfully fond of you (woh woh, bee doh!)

I know that you, the people, are sick of cowardly political leaders who won’t make the difficult, adult decisions because they are afraid the voters will turn on them and throw them out of office. But I know Americans are bigger than that. You want your leaders to make the tough decisions, as long as we blame everything on Washington. When I am your mayor you can rest assured that I will tirelessly blame Washington for every one of our problems. I will blame Washington from the top of Telegraph Hill to the shores of Ocean Beach. If I have to fire someone or cut a program because there’s not enough money, I will immediately make a statement blaming Washington.

And I won’t stop there: if I have to, I will blame the mayor of Seattle, whatever his or her name is. (Mike McGinn.) And if that doesn’t work, I will blame the mayor of San Jose. I will keep blaming someone until it sticks. San Francisco has many sister cities around the globe, including Abidjan, Assisi, Bangalore, Barcelona, Caracas, Cork, Haifa, Ho Chi Minh City, Krakow, Manila, Osaka, Paris, Seoul, Shanghai, Sydney, Taipei, and Zurich. I will be sure to blame all their mayors for our problems, too.

Fellow San Franciscans, as long as I am mayor, you have my word: I will do everything in my power to evade any responsibility for anything bad that happens.

That is real leadership. That is Sam Barry leadership. Leadership for whatever millennium this is. Or as Judy Garland sang it:

Rubber Duckie, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Duckie, you’re my very best friend, it’s true! (doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who’s
Cute and yellow and chubby

This political advertisement has been paid for by the Sam Barry for Mayor of San Francisco Election Committee, which really needs some money, and maybe a better writer