How to Play the Harmonica: and Other Life Lessons, by Sam Barry; Foreword by Dave Barry by Sam Barry

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We Americans are out of shape, eat garbage, are overworked, and frequently engage in risky behaviors.

Do you feel judged? You should: if you are an American, you are a bad person. But there is hope. In order to live forever, or at least 250 years, we must exercise, eat right, lower our stress levels, and not touch other people. Sound hard? It is! But the Daily Sam 250 Years to Eternity Health Program can help. The following handy tips make becoming an attractive, healthy, superior human being as easy as eating pumpkin pie (which you are not allowed to eat anymore). Let’s get started!

Food: We recommend that you stop eating anything that is bad for you or the environment. As far as we can tell, that is pretty much everything. Years ago I moved to Culver City, California, the city where dreams are manufactured. Culver City is near Venice, California, a community so completely out of touch with reality that it may not actually be located on this planet. I met my first vegan in Venice, which is not all that unusual. However, this vegan told me with a completely straight face that there were people in Ojai, California—a town that makes Venice look down-to-earth—who live on nothing but sunshine, water, and air. I assume this person did a lot of drugs before becoming a vegan. In retrospect, though, I see that this diet has an upside. Since we have now learned that everything we eat is bad for us, I recommend that you take up the sunshine, water, and air diet. But—here’s the fun part—every now and then you can eat celery as a treat.

Exercise: Sure, Yoga is good for you, but sky diving is even better. Of course, there inevitably comes a time when our reflexes slow, our eyesight fails, and our muscle mass decreases. When that time comes—assuming your survive the fall—the Daily Sam recommends you switch over to NASCAR racing. (Fact: Jimmie Johnson is 211 years old, and Danica Patrick is 273!)

Work: Work is stressful and bad for you. Don’t let people pressure you into this nasty, unhealthy habit. Just say no to work.

Other people: physical contact with other people is not recommended. I mean, duh—other people can make you sick. Emotional relationships are also strongly discouraged. They are demanding, time consuming, distracting, and expensive. We recommend confining all contact with other human beings to email, texting, Twitter, Facebook, and badminton tournaments.

These are just a few of the many tips you will learn about in the Daily Sam 250 Years to Eternity Health Program. I can’t guarantee that you’ll live longer, but I can guarantee that it will seem like you are living a very long time. To learn more, just send me $250 in cash. (Note: giving me money is good for you.)