Sometimes I have very vivid dreams and nightmares. They haunt me for days, weeks and months as I try to remember every detail. The idea of what my dreams are trying to tell me is not a concern. But now there is a dream, not the ephemeral dreams and nightmares that pass through my sleep, but a real life dream I am trying to remember. The need to remember this dream is causing an ache in my heart that reaches to every cell in my body. The need is causing a numbness that is infecting the joys of my world with a poison I can't shake. The dream is me. Somewhere along the years I lost myself. I lost what I want to do and who I want to be. I began to search outside of myself for meaning and a reason for being on this earth. I have found a lot of good, great things, but I have lost that one thing.
But then there is the fear. The fear of not accomplishing the dream I can't remember. That fear has always been there. I always felt if I read enough, learned enough, deducted enough I would know what the dream is. I never finished college...that's why I haven't realized the dream. Or is that I am not pretty enough, popular enough, lucky enough. Why is the dream so elusive? Maybe I have tuned down my internal compass and voice to the point of not being able to know what the dream is.
I do understand one of my fears. Maybe knowing that part of the puzzle is the beginning. Just maybe, if I examine this fear, I will be able to begin the journey to the dream. Somewhere deep down I feel as if my voice will not be heard, my prose will not be read. This is my first step to determining what the dream is and how not to stop living in my fear. I have always wanted to write, but felt I needed to go to school or take a class before I began. Knowing I want to write seems like the answer, but then there are the nagging questions. What will I write? Do I write well enough? Have I experienced enough in life to write anything interesting? Where do I start, what do I do next? Is it the journey of telling the story that is important or must it be published? Do I need to write the next future classic or is getting all the words in my head out of it the point? What if I start writing and it wasn't the real dream? Am I so afraid of failure that I won't even attempt what might be a dream?