The Official X-Rated Animal Jokebook

 

 

Why doesn’t Smokey Bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel.

 

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A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what’s wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog’s ear, which has an ingrown hair. “I’ll save you some money,” says the receptionist. “Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog’s ear. You won’t need to see the doctor.”

“Thanks.” She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, “Do you have hair remover?”

“What kind, lotion or spray?”

“What’s the difference?”

“You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don’t wear anything tight-fitting for a day.”

“It’s not for my armpits.”

“Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don’t wear nylons for a day.”

“It’s not for my legs either.”

Confused, the clerk says, “What is it for?”

“It’s for my little Schnauzer.”

“Use the lotion. But don’t ride a bike for a couple of days.”

 

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Why can’t worms dance?

They don’t have any balls.

 

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Why don’t roosters wear boxer shorts?

Their peckers are on their faces.

 

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What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

 

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What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog’s dick.

 

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Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly?

They’ve got cotton balls.

 

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What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison?

A receding hare line.

 

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Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?

Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork.

 

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Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can.

 

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Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

 

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What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

Shake hands.

 

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Why don’t lobsters play well with others?

They’re shellfish.

 

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A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm.  He says, “Wanna fuck?”

“I’m your other end, dipshit.”

 

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“What’s the most unusual pet you have?” asked the lady.

“I have a frog that,” said the pet store owner, “loves to eat pussy.”

“I’ll take it.”

She’s back the next day, “I want my money back.”

“Why?”

“He didn’t eat anything except some flies.”

“You must be doing something wrong.  Let’s go to your place.”

They do and he says, “Show me exactly what you did.”  She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat. 

Nothing. 

The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman.  He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, “This is the last time I’m going to show you.”

 

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What did mama earthworm say to baby earthworm when he came home late?

“Where in earth have you been?”

 

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A zookeeper brought his wife to the zoo.  In front of the gorilla cage he told her, “Strip. I’ll unlock this cage and I want you to go inside.”

“Why?”

“I want you to tell him you have a fucking headache.”

 

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An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, “What are you staring at, Yank?”

“We have sheep in our country, but we don’t do that to them.”

“What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?”

“We shear them.”

“Get your own; I’m not shearing with nobody.”

 

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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep are spooked by the sound of a zipper.

 

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What’s the difference between a small town prostitute and an elephant?

One lies on its back for peanuts.  The other lives at the zoo.

 

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What do a prostitute and Bambi have in common?

They both do it for the bucks.

 

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A blind snake and a blind rabbit bumped into each other in the forest. The rabbit asked the snake to tell him what kind of animal he was. “I don’t know,” said the snake, “I’m blind.”

“Me too,” said the rabbit.

So they agree to describe each other through Braille. The snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and said, “Furry. Two big ears. Quite soft.”

“I’m a rabbit!”

“Do me now,” said the snake.

The rabbit palpated the snake and said, “You’re cold and slimy. You have no legs to stand on and I can’t honestly tell your head from your ass.”

“Oh god,” said the snake. “I’m a lawyer!”

 

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What does a puppy do that a man steps into?

Pants.

 

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Horace, the old bull, knew his servicing days were over but the farmer still kept him in the pasture with the cows.  When the new, young, virile bull arrived the old bull ran right up to him.  The farmer said to the old bull, “You’d be crazy to fight him, Horace.”

“Fight him?” said Horace.  “I want to show him that I’m not a fucking cow.”

 

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A chicken and an egg are smoking a cigarette in bed after sex.  Which came first?

 

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The wolf leapt out of the bushes and said to Red Riding Hood: “I’m gonna eat you.”

“For Crissakes,” she said, “doesn’t anybody just fuck anymore?”

 

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What’s the best way to keep a dog from humping your leg?

Give him a blowjob.

 

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“I am,” said the hawk, “the most forceful and powerful animal in the forest because I swoop my prey out of midair at 100mph.”

“I am,” said the mountain lion, “the most forceful and powerful because I can pounce on my prey from 30 feet away.”

“I am,” said the skunk, “the most forceful and powerful animal in the forest because with one flick of my tail I can drive anybody away.”

A grizzly bear ambled up, then killed and ate all three:  hawk, lion, and stinker.

 

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Two goats wandered into the remains of a garage sale.  They each ate a VCR tape before the homeowner shooed them away.  “That was,” said one, “a tasty little snack.”

“To be honest,” said the other, “I liked the book better.”

 

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What’s the only animal not to enter Noah’s ark in pairs?

Worms.  They came in apples.

 

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What’s the difference between someone who can’t shoot a gun and a chronically constipated owl?

The bad marksman shoots and never hits.

 

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What’s the difference between a diaperless baby at the beach and a seagull?

The seagull flits on the shore.

 

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How do you circumcise a whale?

Foreskin divers.

 

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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

 

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A cop pulled over a speeder and noticed that the backseat was crammed with penguins.  “I’m writing you a speeding ticket and if you don’t want one for animal endangerment you’d better take those penguins to the zoo right now.”

The next day the cop pulled over the same car, again with penguins crammed into the rear seat. “Here’s another ticket,” said the cop, “and I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo.”

“I did,” said the driver, “and we had so much fun that today we’re going to the circus.”

 

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There is a quaint country pub that had a little terrier as its mascot. The dog would drink beer from his dish and took care of any scraps that hit the floor. One day the dog died and they decided to remember him by cutting off his tail and leaving it on the pub’s cash register. When the dog got up to heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in, because heaven is a place of perfection and the dog’s tail was missing. So that night the dog went to earth and appeared in the middle of the night to get his tail back and its owner said, “Sorry I can’t help you.”

“Why not?”

“My liquor license doesn’t allow me to retail spirits after hours.”

 

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The king was a vegetarian so he forbade the killing of any animal.  The deer, rabbits, buffaloes, cows, and sheep multiplied and destroyed the crops and people were starving.  So they revolted and overthrew their king.  It was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.

 

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Did you hear about the six silkworms that had a race?

It ended in a tie.

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What does a snail say while riding on a turtle?

“Slow down, slow down!”

 

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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

 

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How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

 

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Why is the camel called The Ship of the Desert?

Because it’s filled with Arab semen.

 

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How do you make a rabbit drink?

Put it in a blender.

 

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An old lady buys a parrot.  When she gets it home she says, “Polly want a cracker?”

The bird responds with, “Cock sucking, motherfucking , big bald bitch, you got a ping-pong pussy like a B-56.  I hate to scream about yo mama she’s a good old soul, with a stretched out cunt and a rubber asshole.”

“My God.  I’ve never heard such obscenity.”  She calls her pastor and explains the situation. 

“I have a female parrot,” he says, “that prays constantly. Perhaps we should get them together and the prayers will rub off on him.”

The pastor brings his bird over and they immediately start screwing.  The female bird screeches, “My fucking prayers have finally been answered!”

 

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What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing. He couldn’t talk anymore.

 

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How do you make dinosaur bacon?

You use Jurassic pork.  

 

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A chicken farmer wanted to rate his roosters; he wanted to know, which rooster mounted his laying hens (also known as pullets) most frequently.  So he tied different bells around the roosters’ necks so he knew who was getting busy and who wasn’t. Much to his surprise he hadn’t heard his prize rooster, Big Balls Bobby’s bell ring all morning so he took a stroll through the barnyard and noticed that Bobby had taken the bell in his beak so it wouldn’t ring and he would sneak up behind a pullet, do his business and continue onto the next one.  Bobby was so smart that the farmer decided to enter him in the state fair.  Bobby was national news; not only did he win the No Bell Prize, but he also took home the Pullet Surprise.

 

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Two mice were in a strip club.  One says, “Check out all that ass.”

The other says, “Buttcrack just don’t do it for me.  I’m a titmouse.”

 

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A lady walks, crying, into a taxidermist’s.  She’s carrying two dead finches. Through her tears she says, “I’d like to have them stuffed.”

“And mounted?”

“Certainly not, they were just close friends.”  

 

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How do porcupines have sex?

Carefully.

 

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The farmer gets a new rooster.  The old rooster says, “There is no need to fight over the hens.  I’ll race you once around the barnyard for them.”

“Sure.”

“But since I’m so much older than you, I’ll need a ten yard head start.”

“Sure.”

And off they go, right past the farmer who pulls out a shotgun and shoots the young rooster.  “Dammit,” he says.  “That the third faggot bird I’ve gotten this month.”

 

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What did the frog say to his wife after oral sex?

“You know, we do taste just like chicken.”

 

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A little boy tapped on the cockatiel’s cage: “Birdie, can you talk?”

“Fuck yeah,” said the bird, “can you fly?”

 

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A veterinarian’s daughter matriculating at Stanford wrote home for money for a mountain bike.  But the bike store was right next to a pet store that had the cutest little capuchin monkey in the window.  She bought the monkey, but it got sick and started losing his hair.  She called her dad and said, “All the hair is falling off my monkey.  What should I do?”

“Sell that goddam bike.”

 

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What’s a lap dog?

An ugly woman who gives great head.

 

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How do you say pussy in Chinese?

Tung Chow.

 

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What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

 

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What’s the difference between a wife and a house cat?

One is a finicky eater that doesn’t give a shit about your personal well-being and the other one is a house pet.

 

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Two eagles are soaring over the Rockies when a B-52 came screaming past.  “Look,” said one eagle, “at that fucker go.”

“You’d move like that too,” said the other, “if you had four assholes and they were all on fire.”

 

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Why’d the parrot think he was gay?

Because he kissed a cockatoo.

 

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What do you get when you cross a rooster and M&Ms?

A cock melts that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

 

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What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

 

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Did you hear about the blind skunk?

He tried to hump a fart.

 

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What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie?

A dog, that after it mauls you, goes for help.

 

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What do you call a flying skunk?

A smell-a-copter.

 

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How do you know where pink flamingos live?

By all the plastic white trash figurines on their front lawns. 

 

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What did the worm say to the caterpillar?

“Who’d you have to fuck to get that fur coat?”

 

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What’s meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The faggot who gave it to him.

 

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What goes: “Hoppity...clank...Hoppity...clank”?

The Easter Bunny with polio.

 

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“Have you fucked your new girlfriend yet?” said one Tyrannosaurus Rex to the other.

“No.  We went away for the weekend.  I got her drunk and had her in the mood; but then, wouldn’t you know it, she gets her century.”

 

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Did you hear about the paranoid blood hound?

He was certain people were following him.

 

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What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a tapeworm? 

Twenty-five feet of barbed wire.

 

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Momma wide-mouth-frog wondered what she should feed her new wide-mouth-frog baby.  So she swam across the river to momma hippo and said, “Hi momma hippo, I’m momma wide-mouth-frog and I have a new wide-mouth-frog baby.  What do you feed your hippo babies?”

“I feed them the shoots and leaves of tender water plants.”

“Thanks.” And momma wide-mouth-frog hopped onto land and approached mama giraffe.  “Hi mama giraffe,” said mama wide-mouth-frog. “I just had a wide-mouth-frog baby.  What do you feed your giraffe babies?” 

“I feed them the tender, new green shoots of acacia.”

“Thanks.” And mama wide-mouth-frog hopped over to mama heron. “Hi mama heron,” said mama wide-mouth-frog, “I just had a wide-mouth-frog baby. What do you feed your heron babies?”

“I feed them mama wide-mouth-frogs.”

Mama wide-mouth-frog said, “Ooooooo fuck.”

 

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT.  He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying.  The manager chases and catches him and asks, “Who do you think you are?  You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?”

“I’m a panda bear.”

“So?”

The panda hands the manager a dictionary, “Look up panda.”

“Lemme see, lemme see.  Here we go: Panda.  Eats shoots and leaves.”  

 

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A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down. He has it towed to the mechanic’s. It’s a hot day so he goes to get an ice cream. He eats the ice cream walking back to the mechanic’s. Because it’s so hot, the cone is messy and he gets it all over his chin. The mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No,” says the penguin, “it’s just ice cream.”

 

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Why are fish so thin?

Because they eat fish.

 

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Farmer John borrowed his neighbor’s bull and assigned his son to watch and make sure that the bull serviced both the white cow and the brown cow. After 20 minutes of observation the little kid popped his head into the house and yelled, “Dad, the bull just fucked the white cow.”

“Why don’t we use the term surprised the brown cow next time.”

A half-hour later he popped his head into the house and dad asked him, “Did the bull surprise the brown cow?”

“Sure enough did,” said the kid. “He fucked the white cow again.”

 

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Two guys were out walking their girlfriends’ dogs when they amble by a bar. Wanting a beer badly they look longingly at the patrons sipping suds, but they also see the NO DOGS ALLOWED sign. But one guy strolls in with his dog, pretending to be blind. The barmaid helps him to a stool and gets him a beer. The other guy enters, also pretending to be blind. The bartender says, “No dogs allowed, buddy.”

“But this is my Seeing Eye dog.”

“A Chihuahua?”

“A Chihuahua?” he says. “They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?”

 

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Did you hear about Randolph the brown nosed reindeer?

He was as fast as Rudolph but couldn’t stop as quickly.

 

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A mother is walking her seven year old daughter down the street when they see two dogs fucking. “Mommy,” says the girl, “what are they doing?”

“The dog in front is sick and the one in back is pushing it to the hospital.”

 

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An old bull and a young bull are standing in a field.  The young bull says, “I have a great idea.  Let’s run down the hill, jump over the fence, swim across the river, climb up the bank to the pasture and fuck one of those cows.”

“I have a better idea,” says the old bull. “Why don’t we walk down the hill, open the gate, walk slowly across the bridge, then up into the pasture and fuck them all.”

 

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What do you have when you run over a bird with a lawnmower?

Shredded Tweet.

 

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Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?

Too many cheetahs.

 

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What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common?

The same middle name.

 

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A hiker enters a clearing and a wonderful smell assaults him. He follows his nose until he arrives at a meticulously kept campsite. There he discovers the source of the wonderful aroma:  three little birds roasting on a spit. The hiker asks the camper, “What’s for dinner?”

The camper replies, “Spotted owl.”

“Spotted owl? They’re endangered.”

“And delicious.”

Curious, the hungry hiker asks, “What do they taste like?”

The camper thinks, then replies: “A lot like bald eagle.”

 

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How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Douse it with gasoline and set it on fire: Woof.

 

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What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?

“Say, are you new around here?”

 

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An old lady lived alone with her dog. She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp. Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: “One,” she said, “I never want to worry about money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best friend, my dog, into a handsome prince.”

Poof! Money appears. Poof! She’s beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince. They kiss and the dog says, “What a fucking pity you had my balls cut off.”

 

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Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?

He doesn’t want his wife to know he’s been fucking chickens.

 

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A duck walks into a drug store. The clerk says, “May I help you?”

The duck says, “Give me some Chap Stick.”

“First of all, you don’t have any lips. Second of all you don’t have any money.”

The duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”

 

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What did Bambi say when she ran out of the woods?

“I’ll never do that for five bucks again.”

 

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Why do elephants have four feet?

Because two feet just won’t satisfy a female elephant.

 

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A gorilla escapes from the zoo so they send out the gorilla catcher. He finds the gorilla in a tree not far away from the zoo. He unloads a dog, a saw, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun from his truck. The gorilla catcher walks up to a fireman who has just arrived at the scene and hands him the shotgun. The fireman says, “How do you catch a gorilla?”

“I’m going to climb the tree,” says the gorilla catcher, “and saw off the branch the gorilla’s standing on. This here dog is specially trained; when the ape hits the ground the dog will clamp onto his testicles. At this point I’ll jump on his back, cuff him and throw him in the truck.”

“What’s the shotgun for?”

He says, “That’s in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree. You shoot that fucking dog.”

 

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A Czech and a Bulgarian are hunting bear in the mountains.  They are attacked and eaten by a male and female bear.  Which hunter did the female bear eat?

The Bulgarian, because the Czech is always in the male.

 

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An executive arrives at work and his secretary says, “Today’s your mom’s birthday. Did you forget again?”

“Yes, I did. Thank you for the reminder.”

He enters his office and phones the pet store. “My mom’s been recently widowed and I’d like to get her a companion pet.”

“You’re in luck, we have a parrot here that speaks English, French, and Italian. Wonderful companion.”

“Great, have him delivered with a card that reads From Your Loving Son.”

“I gotta tell you buddy, this bird costs $10,000.”

“Nothing is too costly for my mother.”

“Done.”

So the executive waits until late afternoon to call his mom. “Happy Birthday Mom. Did you get the bird?”

“Yes. Thank you,” she says. “It was delicious.”

 

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Rabbi Zimmerman bought a parrot. Like a good rabbi he said his prayers in Hebrew everyday. The parrot was an exceptional mimic and soon learned the Rabbi’s prayers. “Wow,” said the Rabbi to his wife. We could make a fortune with this bird.” So when Hanukah rolled around he brought the bird to the synagogue and bet his cronies that the bird knew ten minutes worth of rabbinical prayers. The bets were laid, but the parrot wouldn’t say a word. Rabbi Zimmerman paid off all the bets and said to the bird, “So it’s now that you get a knot in your tongue?”

“Think,” said the parrot, “of the odds we’ll get on Rosh Hashanna.”

 

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A baby polar bear asks his mother, “Am I 100% polar bear.”

“Think about it, dear,” she says. “I’m a polar bear and your dad’s a polar bear. You have polar bear grandparents on each side. Of course you’re 100% polar bear. Why?”

“Because I’m freezing my fucking nuts off.”

 

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Bob and Sally received a parrot as a gift. But the bird was rude, constantly saying “Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucking-asshole! Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucking-asshole! Fucking-A-right-you-motherfucking-asshole!”

Sally said, “Bob we gotta do something about that bird.”

So Bob put the parrot in the freezer for an hour, “What do you have to say for yourself now?”

“Nothing sir, I’m done with the swearing.”

“Good.”

“Just one question, please?”

“Okay.”

“What exactly did the chicken do?”

 

 

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What did the male spotted owl say to the female spotted owl?

“What do you mean you have a headache; we’re an endangered fucking species.”

 

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How does a woman get rid of cockroaches?

She asks them for a commitment.

 

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What do you do when a pit bull starts humping your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

 

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Two vultures boarded a plane. Each had two dead rabbits. The stewardess said, “Sorry. Only one carrion per person.”

 

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Did you hear about Hollywood’s latest nature movie?

It’s a tragic tale of the dysfunctional salmon, who only wanted to float downstream.

 

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Define blind spot.

What Dick and Jane did when they were drinking.

 

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Why are dogs better than kids?

If your dog gets sick, you can just put it to sleep.

 

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A marketing genius, despite all the success he enjoyed in his own field of endeavor, had but one goal in life and that was to own a cattle ranch.  He cashed in all his assets in bought 1,000 acres in eastern Oregon.  A neighbor stopped by to welcome him to the area.  The neighbor asked, “What did you name your cattle ranch?”

“I call it the, Crazy XYZ Bar Nothing Bob’s Your Uncle Organic  Hoofers Inc. ranch.”

“Wow, what a great name.  How many head of cattle do you run?”

“Zero.  None of them survived the branding.”

 

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Why don’t roosters have lips?

Because chickens don’t have nipples.

 

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What do you get when you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

A bird that not only delivers the message, but knocks on your door when it gets there.

 

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A lonely man says to the owner of the pet store, “I need a companion. What’s best, a dog? Cat? Parrot?”

“Actually I’ve got a centipede that can talk and loves to drink.”

Mr. Lonely buys the insect and brings it home. After dinner he says, “Hey centipede you want to go get a drink?”

No reply.

“Hey centipede you want to go get a drink?”

No reply.

 “HEY CENTIPEDE YOU WANT TO GO GET A DRINK?”

“I heard you the first time, asshole.”

“Why didn’t you reply?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

 

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What do a limp dick and a pissed-off rattlesnake have in common?

You don’t fuck with either one.

 

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The bullfrog pond floods and Mr. Scorpion says to Mr. Bullfrog, “I need a ride across the pond on your back or I’ll drown.”

“But we’re enemies,” says the bullfrog. “You’ll sting me.”

“I promise I won’t. You can’t leave me here to die.”

“Okay, hop on.” Halfway across the pond Mr. Bullfrog feels Mr. Scorpion’s sting and the resulting paralysis. “Now we’re both going to die. Why’d you sting me?”

“What did you expect? I’m a fucking scorpion.”

 

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How come the monkey fell out of the tree?

He was dead.

 

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A lady walks into a pet store and asks, “Would you let a kitten go cheap?”

“I’d let them,” says the clerk, “but they prefer to go meow.”

 

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Where does a bee put his stinger at night?

In his honey.

 

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Why did God give ducks webbed feet?

So they could stomp out forest fires.

 

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Why did God give elephants wide round feet?

So they could stomp out flaming ducks.

 

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Two cows are standing in the field. One says, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s true,” she insists. “No bull.”

 

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 A zebra escaped from the zoo and wandered onto a farm.  She asked a cow, “What do you do?”

“I supply milk and butter.”

She walked up to a hen, “What do you do?”

“I supply eggs.”

She walked up to the bull and asked, “What do you do?”

“Slip out of those silly fucking pajamas and I’ll show you.”

 

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A lion is feeling frisky, so he chases a monkey up a tree and says, “Who’s the King of Beasts?”

“You are, Majesty,” says the monkey.

Then he chases a deer across the river and says, “Who’s the King of Beasts?”

“You are, Majesty,” says the deer.

Then he charges an elephant. The elephant stands his ground. The lion says, “Who’s the King of Beasts?” The elephant picks him up with his trunk, body slams the lion, stomps him twice and walks away.  

“Jesus,” says the lion, “just because you don’t know the answer you don’t have to be so pissy.”

 

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How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

Put him in a freezer for three days then push him through a buzz saw....meooow.

 

◊

 

A man goes to the movies and sits behind a lady and a Great Dane. Amazingly the dog laughs at all the right places. Following the movie, the man says, “Lady, I’m astounded. Your dog laughed at exactly the right places.”

“I’m a little surprised myself,” she says, “because he hated the book.”

 

◊

 

Three racehorses are bragging            about their track records. One says, “I’ve won three straight.”

The second says, “Nine out of ten for me.”

The third says, “Seven straight.”

A greyhound walks into the stable and says, “I’ve won 200 straight.”

“Wow,” says the first horse. “A talking dog.”

 

 

◊

 

Bobby visits his girlfriend’s parents for the first time, but he had a burrito for lunch and is suffering from terrible gas. He’s in the living room and the parents’ German Shepard takes a liking to him. While he’s petting the dog, he lets a fart slip out.

“Rover!” says the mother.

Good, thinks the boyfriend, they think it’s the dog. Feeling relieved he farts again.

“Rover!” says the father.

So he farts again.

“Rover,” says the girlfriend, “get over here before he shits on you!”

 

◊

 

What’s the difference between a poodle and a pit bull?

When a pit bull humps your leg he gets to finish.

 

◊

 

A talking dog goes to the unemployment office. The clerk says, “We can get you something with the circus.”

“The circus,” says the dog, “what would the circus want with a plumber?”

 

◊

 

Did you hear about the cat that gave birth in the street?

She was arrested for littering.

 

◊

 

A blind man in a grocery story was swinging his Seeing Eye dog around over his head. A clerk said, “Can I help you?”

“No,” replied the blind man, “just looking around.”

 

◊

 

Three kids are fishing in the bayou. One says, “I saw on the Discovery Channel that the meanest animal on earth is a rhinoceros. It’ll kill you even if you’re in a jeep.”

The second says, “I saw on Animal Planet that the meanest animal on earth is the Bengal tiger. It’ll kill you for fun.”

The third says, “My daddy says the meanest animal on earth lives in this here bayou. It’s called a crocagator. It’s got the head of an alligator on one end and the head of a crocodile on the other.”

The others ask, “Is that what makes it so mean?”

“No,” he replies, “what makes it so mean is that this critter can’t shit.”

 

◊

 

What do a turtle and a prostitute have in common?

If they are on their backs they’re fucked.

 

◊

 

What do get when you cross a chiropractor with a veterinarian?

An animal cracker.

 

◊

 

Two hikers in West Virginia discover a huge hole in the ground. They figure it’s the opening to an abandoned coal mine. One of them picks up a rock throws it in. No sound. They throw in a bigger rock, still nothing. Then they pick up a sturdy six-foot piece of wood and toss that in. They still don’t hear a sound, but after a few seconds a dog speeds between them and jumps into the cave. They continue their hike, meeting up with a little kid. They tell the kid about the suicidal dog and he says, “They can’t be my dog, I have Billy leashed to a railroad tie.”

 

◊

 

A dog saw a sign in an office window: “Help Wanted. Must type 65 wpm. Computer skills a must. Bilingual.” So the dog applies, types 75 words per minute and runs the computer perfectly. The boss says, “I’d love to hire you but you must also be bilingual.”

The dog says, “Meow.”

 

◊

 

What has eight legs and an arm?

Two pit bulls.

 

◊

 

A hunter wanted to purchase a bird dog so he drives to the local dog trainer. “You’re in luck,” says the trainer, “we just finished training the best dog we’ve ever had.”

“Lemme see him work.”

The trainer says “Butch!” and a pointer is immediately by his side. “Work.” Butch walks up to a bush, points, then rolls over twice.

“Why’d he roll over?”

“He’s telling you there are two birds in that bush.”

“Wow.”

Butch points to another bush and rolls over five times.

The man says, “Five birds?”

“Right.”

Then Butch points at a thicket, grabs a stick, sprints over and starts screwing another dog while tossing his head from side-to-side.

“What’s he doing now?”

“He telling you there are more birds in that bush than you can shake a fucking stick at.”

 

◊

 

What do 500 pound gerbils do for shits and grins?

They shove gay guys up each other’s asses.

 

◊

 

Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs.

 

◊

 

What do you call a flying turtle?

A shell-a-copter.

 

◊

 

Two vultures had been sitting in a tree for hours scanning the ground below for carrion.  One turned to the other and said, “Patience my ass.  I’m gonna fucking kill something.”

 

◊

 

Why do dogs rub their noses in women’s crotches?

Because they can.

 

◊

 

Two bees meet in a field. One says, “What’s up?”

“Things are terrible. The weather is so cold there are no flowers. I’m running out of honey.”

“Fly over to the synagogue, there’s a bar mitzvah today and the place is covered with flowers.”

An hour later the bee returns wearing a yarmulke and says, “Thanks for the tip. You’re right; the place is covered with floral arrangements.”

“What’s on your head?”

“My yarmulke. I wanted them to know I wasn’t a wasp.”

◊

 

A snail got mugged by two turtles. When the cop asked for a description of the assailants the snail said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast…”

 

◊

 

What’s the last thing that goes through a bee’s mind when it hits the windshield?

Its ass.     

 

◊

 

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.

 

◊

 

Why’d the chicken cross the road?

He was stapled to the punk rocker.

 

◊

 

Why’d the pervert cross the road?

He got his dick stuck in the chicken.

 

◊

 

Why’d the duck cross the road?

It was the chicken’s day off.

 

◊

 

Why did God make a twat smell like a fish?

Because he made come look like tartar sauce.

 

◊

 

What do you call an animal with two wives?

A cheetah.

 

◊

 

How do you eat frog?

One leg over each ear.

 

◊

 

A three year old and his mother went to the pet store to check out kittens. After returning home his dad asked him what kind of kittens they’d seen. The three year old said, “Two boys and three girls.”

“How do you know?”

“Mom picked them up and looked. I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

 

◊

 

City cousin is visiting country cousin. They are in the barn when a heifer gives birth. She licks the calf clean and off it runs. City cousin says to country cousin, “I bet it’ll never crawl up in there again.”

 

◊

 

A woman buys a parrot and loves his companionship, but his plumage clashes with her living room. She calls a designer for an estimate but he arrives while she’s out. The designer knocks on the front door and the parrot says, “Who is it?”

“It’s the designer.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s the designer.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s the designer.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s the designer.”

“Who is it?”

In a rage he yells, “It’s the fucking designer!” and he has a stroke and dies.

The lady comes home, sees the designer’s dead body and says, “Who is it?”

The parrot says, “It’s the designer.”

 

◊

 

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?

Drumsticks for everybody.

 

◊

 

What do you have when you have 100 female pigs and 50 male deer?

One-hundred-and-fifty-sows-and-bucks. ($150,000)

 

◊

 

Why did the chicken cross the playgrounds?

To get to the other slide.

 

◊

 

Where do you find the most fish?

Between the head and the tail.

 

◊

 

A man took his cross-eyed rottweiler to the vet. The vet picked the dog up to exam him and said: “You’re right, he’s cross-eyed. I’ll need to put him down now.”

“You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, I’m putting him down because he’s heavy.”

 

◊

 

A man accidentally shot his duck hunting dog, so he asks his grandpa what’s the most important thing to look for in a duck hunting dog. Grandpa answers, “A nice tight asshole, otherwise they get all waterlogged.”

So he goes to the kennel and starts shoving his index finger up all the hunting dogs’ assholes. They were all too loose so he starts to leave when the owner says, “Didn’t find anything you like?”

He explains grandpa’s theory and the owner grabs a dog by the tail, lifts his rear legs off the ground and twists the dog’s balls three turns to the right. “Try it now. I had these set up for quail.”

 

◊

 

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

 

◊

 

If storks bring babies what kind of bird brings no babies?

The swallow.

 

◊

 

What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise.

 

◊

 

What’s the difference between a pig and a punk rocker?

A pig wouldn’t stay up all night to fuck a punk rocker.

 

◊

 

How do you know when you’re really ugly?

Dogs close their eyes when they’re humping your leg.

 

◊

 

A woman entered a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.  A sign on the cage said $5.  “Why such a bargain?”

“This bird used to live in the local whorehouse and he has a pretty spicy vocabulary.”

“It is a beautiful bird, I’ll take it.”

The woman brought the bird home and it said, “New fucking home.  New fucking Madam.”

The woman’s two teenaged daughters came home and the parrot said, “New fucking home. New fucking madam. New fucking whores.” 

But the parrot was so beautiful the woman really didn’t mind its filthy vocabulary. She couldn’t wait to show her husband Brian the beautiful bargain bird.  Brian came home and the parrot said “Grease up your pussies girls, it’s Brian! It’s Brian!”

 

◊

 

A lady took her collie to the vet and said, “Every time I wear Chanel No. 5 this dog puts his front paws up on my shoulders and humps me until he comes.”

“I’ll make an appointment to have him spayed.”

She said, “No. Just trim his nails and see if you can do something about his breath.”

 

◊

 

Why’d the fly leave the toilet seat?

He was pissed off.

 

◊

 

A blind man stops at the corner and his Seeing Eye dog shits on his left shoe.  The man reaches into his pocket and gives the dog a treat.  A lady says, “That was nice of you, especially since he shit on your shoe.”

“Lady,” says the blind guy, “I’m got being nice to him. I’m trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass.”

 

◊

 

A newlywed arrives home after work to find his wife in tears.  “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I made my vegetarian tofu lasagna for you. When I took it out to cool the telephone rang and while I was talking to my mom the cat ate it.”

She continues sobbing and the husband takes her in his arms and says tenderly, “Don’t worry honey; we’ll get a new cat in the morning.”

 

◊

 

Two gophers who resided at the local country club were debating whether to go for a walk or spend the day holed up. “I’ll check the weather,” said one.  He stuck his head out the gopher hole.  Just then a female golfer hiked up her skirt and let loose a torrent of urine.  The gopher retreated, soaking wet, and said to his friend, “Not only is it raining, but the fucking birds are building their nests upside down.”

 

◊

 

What is black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, black-and-white, and black-and-white?

101 Dalmations.

 

◊◊◊

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