The weekly poker game was at Bob’s but he had to baby sit his six year old twin boys. Before they could even deal Bob was off to the other room three times. He returned and another racket ensued. So Randy said, “I’ll take care of it.” Randy returned and there was silence for an hour.
Bob said, “What’d you do, start a movie?”
“No,” said Randy, “I taught them how to masturbate.”
What’s the most difficult part about roller blading?
Telling your parents that you’re gay.
What’s the longest sentence in the world?
Did you hear about the flasher who wanted to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.
What’s the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Stones say, Hey you, get offa my cloud, a Scotsman says, Hey MacCloud get offa my ewe.
What’s the difference between a condom and a coathanger?
What’s the difference between sushi and bait?
Why couldn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.
The serial rapist/murderer abducts yet another seven year old girl. They are walking deep into the woods when she says, “I’m scared.”
“You’re scared?” he says. “It’s going to be dark soon and I have to walk back to the car alone.”
What would be the best part about having a female president?
We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.
How can you tell when it’s really cold?
When you see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
“How much,” he asked the genealogist, “would it cost to have my family tree traced back five generations?”
“Five thousand dollars.”
“There’s got to be a cheaper way.”
“There is,” he said. “Run for president.”
A homeless alcoholic broke into an upholsterer’s shop and fell asleep on a couch. When he woke up in the morning he was recovered.
A young boy in San Diego enters a restaurant’s bathroom. There is a Marine at one urinal and a Navy seaman at the other. The boy goes up to the seaman and says, “I might join the navy when I grow up. Can I borrow your hat to see what I would look like?”
So the kid puts the hat on, checks it out in the mirror and goes up to the Marine, “I may join the Marines when I grow up. Can I borrow your hat to see what I might look like?”
“Why don’t you suck my big fat cock.”
“Hey,” says the kid, “I’m not in the Navy. I’m just wearing the hat.”
Tim and Tom were identical twins, except for their attitudes. Tom was always upbeat and Tim was constantly down. Their mom and dad wanted to create a situation where Tim would have to rejoice and Tom wouldn’t be so blissfully optimistic. So one Christmas they bought Tim a pony and filled Tom’s stocking with horseshit. The parents came downstairs on Christmas to see Tim sitting by his pony crying while Tom sat gleefully making horseshit mudpies. Dad hit the ceiling, “Why are you crying Tim? We bought you a fucking pony?”
Tim said, “I wanted a real horse.”
“And you,” he said to Tom. “It’s Christmas and you got a stocking full of steaming horseshit! How can you possibly be happy?”
Tom said, “I had a real horse, but he got away.”
How are wearing a condom and dealing with the IRS similar?
With both you are fucked with no sensitivity whatsoever.
Want to hear an impression of Elton John?
I believe he’s homosexual; that’s the impression I get.
Two potheads were dangling their feet in the ocean when a shark came by and bit the leg off one of them. “Dude, a shark just bit off one of my legs.”
“I think it was the one from Jaws.”
A girl with huge tits walked up to the owner of the dress shop and said, “May I try on that dress in the window?”
“Sure,” he said, “it’ll probably help business.”
What’s the difference between a condom and a casket?
Both contain stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going.
What’s more difficult than getting six pregnant women into a Volkswagen?
Getting six women pregnant in a Volkswagen.
What’s a red tickler?
A vibrator that’s in a bit too far.
Did you hear about the prostitute who made two dates at the same time?
She managed to squeeze both of them in.
What’s the best defense against rape?
Beating off the attacker.
Little Suzie went to the beauty parlor for her first haircut. She was a little intimidated, so the gay hairdresser gave her a chocolate chip cookie. This calmed her down as she sat in a chair, but after a few snips she started crying again. “What’s wrong?” asked the hairdresser. “Did you get hair on your cookie?”
“You fucking pervert,” she said, “I’m only four.”
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk doesn’t have to attend those stupid meetings.
What’s the only thing better than winning five gold medals at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
A teenaged girl with no arms and no legs is taken to the beach by her parents. She loves the sunshine and the sound of the surf and is soon lulled to sleep. Her parents walk down the beach to buy a hotdog and when she awakes a bronze-god-of-a-lifeguard is standing over her. “Mister Lifeguard,” she says, “I don’t have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged lips that have never been kissed.”
So he kisses her.
“Mister Lifeguard, I don’t have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged breasts that have never been touched.”
So he caresses her breasts.
“Mister Lifeguard, I don’t have any arms or legs, but I have this perfect teenaged pussy that’s never been fucked.”
“You’ve never been fucked?”
So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean, “You’re fucked now, baby.”
An American with three eyes, one leg, and no arms is visiting London. He walks up to a taxi and says, “Can you give me a ride to Buckingham palace?”
The taxicab driver says, “Aye, aye, aye. You’re ‘armless. Hop right in.”
What do you say to a drunk girl with no arms and no legs?
“Nice tits, baby.”
What’s the square root of 69?
What do you call two yuppies having oral sex?
What is 34 and ½?
69 for midgets.
What comes after 69?
An elderly couple are watching television when they get the urge to have sex right there in the living room. They strip naked and assume the 69 position. “I hate to complain honey,” he says, “but you are really dry tonight.”
“You’re licking the carpet.”
What is the difference between eating pussy in the 69 position and driving in a thick fog?
In a thick fog you can’t see the asshole in front of you.
What’s the most dangerous sexual position?
69 with a cannibal.
How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Two can chew.
Suck my dick and I’ll owe you one.
Why do women like 77 more than 69?
You get ate more.
Why do women like 88 more than 77?
They get ate twice.
What is 96?
After you 69, you roll over and shit in each other’s hair.
The owner of a Chinese restaurant and his wife are in bed. They start to get into it and he says, “How about a little 69?”
She slaps him and says, “How can you think of hot and sour soup at a moment like this?”
What’s the speed limit for a woman having sex?
68, because if it’s 69, she blows a rod.
What’s 60 feet long and smells like piss?
The conga line in a nursing home.
Grandpa gives an heirloom shotgun to his favorite grandson. The kid doesn’t have any use for the gun so he hocks it and buys a Rolex. The next time he sees grandpa the old man says, “Nice watch, sonny. Where’d you get it?”
“Actually I sold the shotgun and bought it.”
“I don’t have any use for a shotgun.”
“No use for a shotgun? What are you gonna do when you come home one night and find some guy fucking your wife, say, ‘Hey buddy, time’s up?’”
Three old men are sitting on a park bench. The first one says “I haven’t shit since last Thursday.”
The second one says, “I haven’t shit since last month.”
The third one says, “That’s nothing. I take a crap every morning at exactly 7am.”
“What’s so bad about that?” says the first guy.
“I don’t wake up until 9am.”
An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, “I wanna fuck you.”
“Well,” she says, “everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell.”
“How do you like to do it?”
“I really like it when a man goes down on me,” she said.
He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusting look on his face. “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this. Something smells fucking rotten down there.”
She said, “It must be my arthritis.”
He said, “You can’t get arthritis in your vagina, and even so, it wouldn’t cause that horrible smell.”
She said, “The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can’t wipe.”