where the writers are
INTERVIEW with the NEUTRINO who BROKE the SPEED of LIGHT.

Because of certain high-level scientific connections
I have in the world of science (related to my work on
furniture in outer space, apple molecules, etc.), I was
fortunate enough to be contacted by the European Organization
for Nuclear Research to be the first to interview the neutrino
who was recently timed going faster than the speed of light.
Here is a transcript of that interview.

RM: You've been timed going faster than the speed of light.
Congratulations.

NEUTRINO: Yes, thank you. 16 millionths of a second faster
than light. Or is it billionths? Billionths, I believe. In
any case, I just get going and I go. I love to go. That's my
bag.

RM: How did they time you?

N: Stop watch, I imagine. I don't really get into that part. I
trust my team.

RM: Over what distance did this occur?

N: From Switzerland to Italy. Through the earth.

RM: They shot you through the earth?

N: Well, if they shot me into space I'd just keep going.

RM: But through the earth, wouldn't you run into rocks
and sticks and lava and things?

N: No. Neutrinos are aloof. We prefer not to associate
with other particles. We bob and weave. If we were at a
party, we'd be the fellow in the corner with his eye on
the door. We're loners. We have a mass of only 10e-68 g.
We don't care what other particles think of us.

RM: Now, I understand you weren't the only neutrino to break
the speed of light.

N: Who the hell told you that?

RM: It was in the papers. There were 16,000 other neutrinos
who did the same thing at the same time you did.

N: Then go interview them. I was the first, that's all that
matters. The others were behind me and basically cheering me on.

RM: As you know, you've upset the theory of relativity.

N: It wasn't my intention to upset anybody. Not that I care.
I don't believe in theories. I prefer action, the will to speed.

RM: You've defied the laws of physics.

N: I saw no posted signs. Even if I had, they would have
been a blur.

RM: Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

N: Sue me. Catch me.

RM: Would you like to say anything to Albert Einstein?

N: Sorry, Bub. You had a good run. Time waits for no theory. Move
over, Rover, let Neutrino take over. But seriously, Albert,
I couldn't have done it without you.

RM: As you know, you've now made it possible for a person
to go back in time and be their own grandmother.

N: I'm not responsible for people misusing my achievement
for their own gratification. However, if I was going to go
back in time and be somebody else, it wouldn't be my grandmother.

RM: Who would it be?

N: Probably somebody slow for a change. A turtle. Or maybe
a stand-up comedian. I like Carrot Top.

RM: Some scientists believe that antineutrinos and neutrinos are
actually the same particle type. If this is true, it would make the neutrino
the only particle that is its own antiparticle.

N: That's rather personal territory there, pal. In any case, I have
to split. I’m having lunch with my agent.

RM: Final word?

N: Take time, every day, to stop and smell the roses. Or at
least take a whiff as you're speeding by.