I have no personal acquaintanceship with luck myself.
However, I know an old fellow whose middle name is “Lucky,”
Elmer Fontaine, 91, from the Blue Woods up in the Pertelote Region.
I thought I’d ask him about it. I found Elmer on his rickety porch
swing, popping fleas on his snoring hounddog Johnny.
RM: First, how’d you come by the name Lucky?
ELMER: I named myself it. Figured it might bring me luck.
ELMER: I’m drownding in it, can’t you tell?
RM: What do you think about what Seneca said:
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
ELMER: Luck is what happens when Preparation H meets the road,
if you know what I mean.
RM: Luck is effectively treating your hemorrhoids?
ELMER: Luck is not getting no hem’roids in the first place.
RM: That’s a catchier quote than Seneca’s.
ELMER: Funny name, Seneca. Sound like a spice. Is that his first name or his last?
RM: I imagine last.
ELMER: What’s his first name?
RM: I don’t know. Sam? Let’s stick to the topic. Luck.
ELMER: Luck, yep. Well, luck is like a box of rutabagas.
If you eat it, it’s gone, but if you don’t eat it, somebody else will.
Or else it’ll go bad and draw flies.
RM: Not sure I follow.
ELMER: Well, luck is like getting a bunch of money out of nowhere
suddenly for no reason, but it could be in the form of a safe that falls
on your head. If it don’t kill you, and you figure out the combination,
and you spend it, then you expect more, but you’re of a mixed mind
if you want to go through that again or not.
RM: Hmmm. Could you elaborate on that?
ELMER: Elab’rate on a safe full of free money that hits you
in the head? Take it home, kid, dream on it. If I had to explain everything
to you, I wouldn’t have no time to lay around and cogitate on luck.
RM: What about Thomas Jefferson? He said,
“I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
ELMER: Easy for him to say, he’s Thomas Jefferson.
RM: But he became Thomas Jefferson by working hard.
ELMER: No, he was borned Thomas Jefferson. Do you think
he worked hard as a baby? Answer: No. You can bet if I was born
Thomas Jefferson, I’d came up with a lot more better quotes about luck than him.
RM: What do you think about “Luck can only get you so far,”
and then you turn to magic?
ELMER: Huh? What? Who the hell said that?
RM: Hermione, from Harry Potter.
ELMER: Don’t know the gal, don't know her town, can’t say.
RM: You’re not a follower of hoodoo, then?
ELMER: Who do what?
RM: Never mind.
ELMER: If I don’t know what he do, I ain’t followin’ him nowhere,
don't matter how lucky he is.
RM: So, to wrap up, you always wanted luck, but you never had any,
so you try and make it sound mysterious in a way that won’t reflect badly
on your being too lazy to get up off your porch.
ELMER: No comment, except this:
If you need luck bad, you ain’t gone get none.
If you don’t need it a’tall, you’ll be up to your britches in it.
If you never had it, you ain’t got no idea what it is,
but when you get it, you know you deserved it all along
but you got to act humble and shy like you didn’t,
just in case whatever give you it is listenin’.
That’s my advice, and now if you’ll excuse me,
I got a good luck nap to get to. You done wore ol’ Lucky out,
and Johnny, too, plus his fleas besides.