I exist on the internet in a way I don't in the material world. I have an identity here that has taken me many years to craft and mould. There are literally thousands of people who know this digital me but who could easily walk past me on the street. Usually, I like this. I like the fact that I exist in the minds of others in a thousand different incarnations. It depends which of my stories they've read, or at which point of design they began to visit my site.
I have a very close relationship with my regular blog readers. And some of them forge close relationships with each other. They argue about what one of my characters should have done, or how I could resurect one that I killed off. They dream about my settings, or about being at the mercy of one of my deviants.
You'd think I'd be thrilled when, suddenly, about 5,000 new visitors turn up on my site.
Well, not really. I've recently been getting a huge number of hits from a site called "YouPorn.com". Some of you may think I'm mincing genres, but I don't write porn. I write erotica. And I'm mighty pissed off when thousands of people descend on my site looking for a quick hit of wank material. For a start, they're going to be disappointed; I'm big on literary foreplay. Secondly, even if they do make it through the first 3,000 words or so, the most they're probably going to leave with is a baseline hum of arousal. And that's only if the particular story they've read doesn't have a nasty sting in the tale - which many of mine have.
The fact that people turn up at my site, looking for porn, pains me. I'd like to say that I like porn as much as the next person, but I don't. I fucking hate porn.
I hate the simplistic, automatization of human desire. I hate the pouty lips, the spherical breasts and the glycerine shine on splayed cunts. I hate the shininess of it all, and the half-witted semiotics. I hate the forever-hard, forever-wet portrayal of arousal perpetua. It's not an issue of degredation. We're all being degrade, all the time; just walk into a supermarket and listen to your "want' wires humming.
It's the total absence of desire. Only an infant can feel desire for what it gets instantly.
It pisses me off that I'm being linked to by something that manufactures lust in the blink of an eye. Where's the seduction? The wooing? The glorious, slow upward spiral into the vortex of desire?
I guess, ultimately, YouPorn and I are peddling the same thing. But I kiss my readers before I fuck them.
Causes Remittance Girl Supports
Coalition Against the Trafficking of Women The Pleasure Project: A sex-positive organization working in the HIV prevention field.