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In the Rough

Sometimes everyday; sometimes almost everyday I shuffle the Tarot deck, sit cross legged on the bed facing the window. I spread the cards before me, close my eyes and choose with my heart, with my soul. Today, I pull the Queen of Cups: Master of emotional integrity. A beautiful card, watery, belladonna blue and turquoise greens; lilies, a pond, reflection. “As above, so below.”

Feeling fine; at peace, yes. I have also been wanting to express and explore the weeds, the dark brush, to look at, turn it round and round— or rather they’ve been knocking. And why is this? I sometimes feel this way and other times like that. I am happy; in some sort of balance, yet I have this desire to sashay across the tightrope, and to spin out into the chaos, to touch the torrential circle that spins and spins out of control.

I imagine its better if I write and share about it, lest some urge take hold…There is this life energy— combustible energy—but in a good way, in a way that wants to seep out, to dip into that black ocean and dive deeply below, to swim, swim, swim. I suppose it’s a way for me to experience the yin/yang of myself, even if its just through expression. I need to express all of me and I am ready—at least in this one moment—to release, even if in thought, thought that feels, that reaches for the lined pages. I want to go outside the lines, to crumble and crinkle up inside the lines and pages, to dance around inside their covers and let out this pent up energy, but what is the best outlet and where is it coming from? The need to let go—to go dancing with the night, to embrace myself, embrace all of me—the light and the dark; the sun and the moon.

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Life in a moment

What you have experienced is life in a moment, Rebecca...The tarot card you pulled out was part mirror, part stimulus. 'Emotional integrity' is about being true to oneself, one's impulses. Glad you give in and submit to those and dive and swim and maybe float.

~F

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Thanks, Farzana. Yes, "part

Thanks, Farzana. Yes, "part stimulus" for sure. It most definitely helped to pull out of me what wanted to come. Typically I would keep it in my notebook and I was anxious about posting, but I thought...what's the worst of it, better to put my words—not just words, but myself, and not even myself, something even beyond that—out there, rather than keep locked up. Even when I go back and forth in my mind after posting: Should I delete it, should I have posted, what have I done? It ultimately feels good to release these little snippets that arise. Funny thing is, as I write this, it’s interesting to know that for some, spilling out is so easy and they do so much more readily, but for me, even releasing little bits has been like climbing a gigantic mountain, but it gets easier.

Yes…Float…I like that image after the dive and swim.