I guess, perhaps, I should change that title. But, I'll leave it alone... for now.
We all have it don't we? It's not just "My Sphere." We all have that bubble. It's that protective place where the walls are thick enough to keep out the dangers of our surroundings. What do I mean by that? What are the dangers?
The sphere is as unreal as the feelings that send us there. Feelings and emotions are what control whether we move forward or retreat into that safety zone. Why is it safe there, and seriously, where is it? It's not tangible. You cannot see it. It is that part of your mind that refuses to let others in. You might call this a contradiction and say to me that feelings are very real, and I will reply back that, "then so is the sphere." When we feel hurt, depressed, shy, alone, afraid, scared, and more, we have the inner need to feel safe. We can retreat within our own mind into a state where there is literally an emotional force-field that keeps us safe. We keep things in, and refuse to let anything out that will give away how we are feeling.
How do I know about such a place?
In my younger life, prior to leaving school and going off into the Army, I was very drawn into myself. It was the safest place I could go. My mom was very religious and my dad's best friend was the chemical C2H5OH otherwise known as alcohol. Why does this matter? It matters a lot to a kid that has to go to school and hear about each from his peers. It matters a lot when you go through an emotional tug-of-war not knowing which side to turn to. And so my answer was to live within. I let myself be trapped inside that bubble that had walls so thick there was no way in or out. What helped me break through later in my life?
The greatest man I ever knew. He was my inspiration and it might be ironic that my Senior Yearbook was dedicated to the man that influenced me to run. Yes, to run. On April 19th, 1980, Dave Sanborn was out of school, to run his then, 3rd Boston Marathon. On that same day, I began running. 14,300 miles later I stopped. Running replaced that sphere. So did the Chinese Goju, the Okinawan Karate, and the Chinese Kenpo. Nearly 9000 miles of biking helped too. The shyness left. The sphere went away. The military helped me immensely in the one phrase they drummed into our heads: "Adapt and overcome!"
Where is all this coming from? What made me think to write about this today?
To my readers I can tell you that lately... I peer out into the world around me, and sometimes there is that need...to pull it back. To bring back that home that I used to feel so comfortable in. Some days things become so overwhelming that that sphere may not have been such a bad place. There are some that think I am doing it to myself, and they are most likely right. I try to accomplish all that I can between the time I take that first sip of coffee, and the time I let my had go back and my eyes close for a few hours sleep. Will this feeling pass? I hope so. I hope when the bubble arrives that I can lash out with the most powerful punch I have ever thrown and shatter it into a million pieces. But before I do, I have to figure something out. I have to figure out why I would want to destroy the safest place I know.