where the writers are
Mishaps of Sublingual Consumption (or, It's NOT cocaine ... really)
Hot Pebbles Flintstone and Her Bone Scrunchie

I will be totally honest here.  I am five foot seven (seven and half with my walking shoes), and I weigh more than 250 pounds.  And, before you ask, no, it is NOT all muscle.  I am sure there is lean muscle underneath there somewhere.  I am moving my limbs and able to move from point A to point B.  Basic physiology demands that there is the minimal amount of muscle required for basic movement present on my body.  I just have not seen it in a long while.

When people ask me how on earth did I get so big, I give them the honest answer:  Eat a lot and don't move at all.  Calories going in is greater than calories going out.  Basic math for obesity.  In this case, 1 + 1 > 250 pounds.

Now, I am not stupid.  I know that it is paramount to lose this weight.  That it will improve the quality of my life, improve my overall health, improve my sex life, etc.

Awww, shut up ...

I need that advice like I need another hole in my head.  What I need is another stomach for my digestive system.  Cows have two stomachs, right?  Why do cows need two stomachs to digest grass?  I am guessing that they eat more than just grass.  I hear they eat each other.  Madness!  Whatever.  Maybe the whole cow metaphor is completely bogus.  Or, maybe I am in total denial that my man boobs are indeed starting to look like udders.  Except no lactation.  How useless is that?  If I am going to have such big man boobs, they should at least make some milk while they are hanging there!  Geez, when I go for long walks, lugging a plastic bottle filled with water is just too strenuous.  Daddy wants some fresh colostrum!

Useless glands ...

Okay, fine!  I admit it!  The cow metaphor holds true!  It is indeed time to focus on losing weight.  But, therein lies the problem.  Which is the best method to burn the most amount of body fat in the most efficient manner without dying from starvaton?  Which one of the countless diet programs out there will create a net weight loss that has nothing to do with an empty wallet?  Will I be given a deck of cards or a menu where creating several meals a day is considered "really convenient?"  How about the diet that is customized "just for you?"  I bought that program.  Apparently, there are only four people on this planet.  And, they are naked and faceless.  Mesomorph, ectomorph, or something in between.  Whatever.  You still look like hell without clothes.  Get used to it.

Wait, that is total capitulation!  I refuse to give up!  Certainly, human beings were not always out of shape and severely obese.  I mean, Darwinian adaption demands that the slow heavy fat guys were easy targets for dinosaurs and sabertooth tigers.  Either I am very confused, or I need to stop watching the Flinstones.

(Ginger or Mary Ann?  How about Wilma or Betty?  I thought the grown-up Pebbles was pretty hot.  Death to scrunchies.  Use a bone.)

I believe much of the confusion about proper dietary needs comes from the fact that the people who are supposed to know really don't know, but they think they have an idea, so it is better to listen to them right now, even if it changes later, and it will be our fault if something goes wrong, because we did not make the right food choices at the right time.

Everyone get that?  Good.  (I am conserving my periods, BTW.)

While we are at it, will someone please explain what the hell happened to the Food Pyramid?  Remember, it used a stack of colors, each row representing a food group.  Now, after a bucket load of money, research into the latest nutrition information, and a complete graphical facelift, the new Food Pyramid looks like - well, the old Pyramid, but the color bands are now more or less vertical.  At least they have a web page that allows you to customize (http://www.mypyramid.gov).  So, let me get this straight: ever since I was a little kid, I've always heard that you need to eat your vegetables, vegetables are good for you, you need the fiber, the phytonutrients, and the anti cancer joo-joo, blah blah blah.  So, after umpteen versions of the Food Pyramid, which category reigns supreme?  You guessed it:  whole grains.

Gee, I wonder which group had the most influential lobby?  Yeah, I am guessing it wasn't the fruit and veggie crowd.

Oh, BTW, have you ever actually measured a single serving of cooked spaghetti?  Um, are you friggin' kidding me?  That is the amount of noodles I use to taste the sauce.  I can easily eat 10 times that amount.  To me, a single serving of spaghetti is what stays on the plate going from the stovetop to the dinner table.  And, that dehydrated chemical cocktail that sells as "parmesan cheese?"  Dude, I wouldn't feed that stuff to ants.  Well, maybe I would.  (Has it rained lately?)

When it comes to not knowing what the hell to do with a food item, nothing represents the nutritional hot potato act that has followed the egg.  First, eggs were good.  Great source of protein and nutrients.  Then, eggs were bad.  Cholesterol and fat.  Then, eggs were mostly good, just don't eat the yolk.  Wait ... what?  An egg without the yolk is like a Twinkie without the cream filling.  Then they found out that the cholesterol that was clogging your arteries didn't come from the food you eat but rather from your liver.  However, JUST IN CASE, limit your egg consumption anyway.  Or, you can have a twenty egg omlette, but only use four yolks.  Hmmm, that is a lot of Twinkie spongecake to wash down.

Speaking of washing down eggs, did you know the best way to consume eggs is to eat them raw?  Apparently, if you use too much heat during the cooking process, something called glycation takes place, which pretty much renders the egg protein non-digestable.  So, Rocky Balboa was right all along.  Go ahead and try it.  Crack open a dozen raw eggs into a glass, and then crank it back.  But, wait - you are not a pug nosed southpaw palooka from Philly.  No need to slam it down.  Sip it.  Slowly.  Savor that raw food goodness.

The raw food movement.  Yeah, baby.  After getting that $400 Vita-Mix and the $300 Excalibur Food Dehydrator, I am now ready to spend the next two days making that raw pizza.  If you think I am kidding, stop Googling Ivory Madison for a second, and Google the recipe for raw pizza.  You better be patient.

Somewhere at the beginning of this blog, I started to talk about losing weight.  Well, that is what I intend to do folks - to keep talking about losing weight.  But, not right now.  Getting too close to that maximum heart rate.

BTW - if you are wondering about the title of this blog:  Sublingual literally means "under the tongue."  It basically refers to a new delivery system where a drug or supplment contacts the mucuous membrane under the tongue, and it diffuses through it directly to the blood stream.  I believe I've seen a vitamin B12 spray that is being advertised recently using this delivery system.  Now, the idea of absoring things under the tongue has been around for a while.  I remember back in the day when I took some nutritional supplements where I was instructed to place the powder under my tongue for about 20 seconds, then swallow it.  Supposedly, this increased the absorption of this supplement.  I also heard that you can do this with some protein powders.  In fact, I read where one guy suggests that chewing protein powder is the best way to consume it.  Well, I tried it and it was alright.  However, if you plan on doing this, I would make the following suggestion:  hold your breath.  Any amount of inhaling or exhaling will result in projecting that protein powder onto your shirt and all over your face.  And, if someone happens to catch you in such a state ... Well, to paraphrase Ricky Ricardo, "Lucy, you have some 'splainin to do."