Repentance. The word conjures the vision of a Hellfire and Brimstone Preacher telling us we are all worthless sinners and on our way straight to Hell, do not pass go, do not receive any mercy. My second reaction is to shake my head with disgust. The fact is I repent every single day of my life.
Imagine being the mother of the most incredible little girl; a child beyond anything you could have hoped for and she is all yours. You raise her, love her unconditionally, and pour everything you have into her first and foremost without an ounce of resentment. You have never known what love really means until you became a mother to this very special child. She grows and changes exactly as she was meant to and the closeness you share is the most precious thing in your life.
I am that mother and my daughter is blessed with all the things a mother hopes for her child to possess. She is highly intelligent, has a heart of true compassion, has talents and gifts that blow my mind and most of all, is a funny, sweet and kind person who I would chose as my friend if she wasn’t my daughter. I also must tell you that she is so physically beautiful that, at fifteen, she turns heads where ever we go and rivals any so called Hollywood beauty I’ve seen. My daughter has it all, she has even started a business, designed a teen news website, is an officer in her community service club at school, a member in good standing of her international debate club and is a straight A student, except for Algebra; she has a B in Algebra.
So why do I repent every day? Because I made the mistake of picking her biological father; he left her when she was only four and everyday of her life has been scarred because of my choice. Talk about a double edged sword. Without him, she wouldn’t be who she is and I would never have had the joy of being her mother for the last fifteen years. Because of him she carries a weight and a spirit of rejection that impacts her young heart with a pain that is deep and never ending. There are issues because I chose a loser to be her father and that choice affects her heart, mind and soul. My daughter carries a burden that no child should ever carry. Knowing that I caused her a pain of this magnitude tears me to pieces. I can hardly carry the guilt of what I’ve done to the most important person in my life.
I repent. I beg God to stop her suffering and put it all on me. I beg him to heal her little heart. I beg him to save her from the pain that just seems to increase as she grows older and wiser, as she begins to really understand what she is missing. It is as if a big part of her soul is empty and the pain it brings is sometimes more than she can bear. I tell her how sorry I am and of course, she never blames me, but it is on me. I made a choice.
Talk about regret, I don’t need to sit through a single lecture on regret. I wrote the book on regret. I wear regret like a second skin. I have tried everything I can think of to help her fill that emptiness. I can’t, there is nothing I can do to change a thing. I will never quit trying to find the answer. It is the quest of my life.
I have her and that is the most amazing thing. I just wish with all I am that I was not the one who hurt her so badly. I love my daughter and sometimes that is enough, but very rarely, because I see the pain in her eyes every single day. I know I put it there and how can a mother who did this to her own child live with herself? It is difficult, but she needs me and there is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her, she my daughter. I am so sorry, Boo. I love you.