I wrote this about a month ago. Unfortunately, I needed to hear it for myself today, so I am posting it now. Those who know me will understand.
A fresh week, a fresh day, and of course, fresh snow. Everything today feels fresh.
I have been thinking about the many things I keep inside of me without allowing full expression. At first I thought it was just the unspoken things, the sharp truthful stuff. After watching multiple segments of House in a motel room one night, I realized that the reason I like House is because he is so free to be nasty. It is juicy. He sees peoples’ flaw and crazy patterns and he calls them out into the open. He lacks inhibition.
I started thinking about all the ways I “bite my tongue” rather than call it out. I was imagining what it would feel like to be uninhibited. Would people see me as a nasty bitch, or would they would fill an auditorium the way Tony Robbins can fill an auditorium.
And then I wondered, what do I have to lose? And why is it important for people to like me or to think that I am sweet, gentle . . . soft. The idea intrigues me. Be bold and brassy, call them out on their illusions. Sometimes in the midst of a workshop that brassy me will step out, and I really like her. She can be bold and gentle at the same time. I see strong—not bitchy.
This conversation in my head has been going on for a while, but yesterday I started to see the other emotions or states of being that I also repress such as joy, fun, love. I don’t express myself as much as I could. I don’t really allow a full range of my emotional states to play out. I flatten both the peaks and the valleys keeping them contained within an acceptable range. The trouble is, I feel dull and, well, contained.
Who is in charge of that range? Is it really so that people won’t think of me in a particular way? Sounds like a 7th grader—or for me, 6th grade.
Well, guess what. You don’t have to like me. I don’t need your affection or approval. I am a grown woman. I have enough friends. I would rather risk opening the full range of my expressive self and get out there on the edges of my life. I want to use my voice. I want to call them out—myself most of all. No more retreat.
What would that look like out there in the world? I don’t really know. I have had my moments and I have a few models—damn few. Mostly it is just about not worrying about nice or bitchy or too big for my britches. Just be. Speak. Laugh. Be outrageous.
I am going to practice being outrageous. That seems to be the freeing word of the day for me. I can start by opening the high end, the peaks, and use my body, my face, my movement. I can create the physiology of outrageous joy and strength and then when I open my mouth, outrageous things will fly out.
As I think back, this whole contemplation began with doing an Insights Profile with Susanne at Talon. She rolled out her little color wheel and placed me heavily in blue and green—an introvert. I realized that extroverted behaviors were always going to require great effort and courage on my part. It will not come naturally the way it does for other people. That doesn’t mean I should gather together a box of moldy books and go live in a cave (although that sounds rather pleasant). Obviously, there is some part of me that doesn’t agree with the profile. She has a few things to say and do and she will not be so easily stopped.
So, I give the day to her. It won’t change who I am, but it will make being me a bit more fun.