What if Shakespeare had a sister?
Well, he did have several brothers and sisters and we all know there's a 'ghost' of a rumor that he did not write his own
plays, so here's an imagining of how that went..
Will Shakespeare gets bitten by the acting bug after he and his little sister, Suzy, see a play by the local troupe.
There was gallant sword fighting and a woman was beheaded. Billy decides to become an actor, right there and then.
The very next day, Will auditions for the troupe, but is brutally rejected by Ralphie and Thomas, the stage managers.
Humiliated, he returns home to discover his sister has knocked off an excellent play. Will goes back to the playhouse
armed with one of his sister’s sketches. The stage manager. Ralphie, and his sidekick, Thomas, listen patiently.
“Shhhhh,” said Ralphie, “Maybe we could dress him up for the lady parts. I’m so tired of Alfred playing the women, and
this Shaky guy is rather pretty.”
“Oh, no he’s not, he’s much too skinny to play women, and besides, he sounds very nasally.”
“Yes, he stinks, get him out of here. “
"No, wait, what is that he’s reciting? Euripedes?"
Shakespeare is trying to recite a passage from his sister's play:
"Methinks you are my glass, and not my brother: I see by you I am a sweet-fac'd youth; Will you walk in to see their
gossiping? Not I, sir; you are my elder.
"No, no its not…“Heh! Shakestink?”
"What’s that script – where did you get that?"
"Oh, kind Sir, well, its an original play in Iambic pentameter…my sis- why do you like it?"
"Yes, its quite witty….so, you can write?"
"Oh, Yes, Sire, of course, I can write…and read!"
"Why didn’t you tell us you could write?"
"Well, I didn’t know you needed a playwright, but I get to act, right?"
"Oh, sure…let me see that script – what’s it called?"
"Um,…”Comedy of Errors* OR? "See If You Like It?"
"Ha! Good one…read it again..."
"It is a comedy of errors, about a case of mistaken identities..."
With each character, Will jumps from one angle to another, changing his voice for each character.
"I think you have all drunk of Circe's cup" and Will skips ahead, as Ralphie laughs and yawns and belches.
"Master, shall I fetch your stuff from shipboard? Dromio, what stuff of mine hast thou embark'd? Your goods that lay
at host, sir, in the Centaur. He speaks to me. I am your master, Dromio: Come, go with us; we'll look to that anon:
Embrace thy brother there; rejoice with him....um, Exeunt!"
Ralphie laughs, "Ha, 'Exeunt,' Hahhha. Let's Exeunt Shakey..."
"No, wait... He really knows how to dance! "
Shakespeare becomes very animated and hops about the stage reading all the lines, stage directions, and characters'
names, amusing Ralphie and Thomastremendously.
"There is a fat friend at your master's house, that kitchen'd me for you to-day at dinner.. She now shall be my sister,
not my wife... Methinks you are my glass, and not my brother... I see by you I am a sweet-faced youth. Will you walk in
to see their gossiping? Not I, sir; you are my elder. That's a question: how shall we try it? We'll draw cuts for the senior:
till then lead thou first. Nay, then, thus: We came into the world like brother and brother; And now let's go hand in
hand, not one before another. Exeunt!"
"Okay, Willie that's pretty funny, you can come back tomorrow..."
"You're hiring this guy? He's a horse's arse?
"But, a pretty one, and we need more words....that was very - you know - poetic stuff..."
"Yeah, its hard finding people who can read, much less write..."
Thrilled, Bill sequesters Suzy in his home while she continues writing plays for him and soon starts his own company,
prospering greatly. Suzy starts to go mad as the characters of the plays are her only companions, and finally plots to
expose her brother and rescue her credit line. Going mad himself, Bill flies into a rage and beheads his sister before she
tells anyone. He dies soon after, his legacy intact; except for this curious ghost of a rumor that he did not write his own
Elizabethan Lute Music, anyone?