Wow. Nothing like a lump to focus my mind. Forget the pages I just sent to my agent, forget my son’s virus, forget ordering the seersucker pants I have an ad for beside my computer. I have a lump.
I found it in my sleep. My right hand curved around my left breast, my brain woke with a WTF? And I was at immediate attention. What is this? It’s huge! I checked the other breast - nothing.
My body is changing--fast. These last two months I have put on ten pounds. I have never put on ten pounds (except when I was pregnant, when I put on 23) but they fell off with the baby. Also, my cycle has changed. Last month it wouldn’t stop, this month it won’t start. So, I figure - menopause. I expect mood swings, hot flashes, brittle bones, wrinkles. Not a fricking lump.
What to do?
No one is up. I can’t call my best friend/midwife for at least another hour and a half. So, I make coffee. I know caffeine - yikes. Still, I make it. It sits here beside me steaming. A friend saying, type, breathe, take a sip. Good.
I feed the cats. Then the dog. I search for bird food.
I add this to my list. Go to doctor, have them tell me I am fine, go to Wilco, get bird food.
Focus. I tell myself. And do not think about the golf ball sized lump in your left breast.
That’s the other thing. Golf ball. Not pea. Not walnut. Golf, fucking ball.
I swear it wasn’t there last month. Or even last week. I swear it appeared out of nowhere. Some remnant of a bad dream. I swear it belongs to someone else.
There is no breast cancer in my family. I eat well. Exercise. I breast fed my child for three and a half years. I think you are suppose to get extra credit for that, or something. Not lumps.
So, there is it.
My morning wakeup call.
Good morning, Naseem. You’ve got mail…..