The funny thing about the universe is its impeccable timing....
Never once has the universe ever let me slide through on a test of self.
For the past several days I've hesitated making a decision I knew was best for me and the project I was working on because I wanted everybody to like me.
Now I will be the first to admit I have several key areas that I need to work on and one of them is worrying about other peoples opinion of me.
I could wake up in the morning with a firm belief and understanding of what I was going to do and as soon as I got up I was going to put into action what my true self knew to be in my own best interest.
And then I start listening to everybody else, taking notes, getting polls, sorting feedback until finally I'm so confused that what ever I was thinking when I got up that morning isn't just a distant memory its so tainted and kicked around that I'm not sure it existed in the first place.
Somehow I never equated my indecisiveness to ego but when I settled in for my first lifeclass and listened and really digested what was being said.
I realized my ego was on a world tour at my expense.
The funny thing I discovered about checking my ego was that I'd convinced myself that I had none.
My ego wasn't braggadocios or self or petty....... nooooooo.
I didn't have a grand sense of self worth or inflated sense of being. All the things I'd been told were ego.
My ego was subtle and deceptively happy being self less and gentile with a little hint of feistiness.
It listened to sob stories and wavered back and forth over decisions because it kept me wanting to please. It kept me wanting to have everybody like me. It kept me from telling people the truth about being so fearful of my success that I'd sabotage myself and my relationships just to make sure I constantly worried about what everybody else thought.
My ego kept me from dialing my daughter to say hi, it made me yell at her for not bothering to call for several days. It kept waving this flag that said "See I told you so"
My true self, you know that visionary that hovers over your consciousness and sees everything exactly the way it is and tells you exactly what you need to do in order to gain the best self. Well my true self would be with me in the morning as I woke up but by the time I looked at myself in the mirror my ego was plotting out pressure points.
In listening to the Lifeclass last evening I kept coming back to the same point, I had to shut my ego down. I had to ask myself two questions and if I answered them in honesty I would know exactly where I was coming from.
1. If nobody knew I was the one who made the decision and had no way of knowing would I still make the same choice?
2. If I were completely honest with myself without fear of being disliked, unloved, and unforgiven would I still make the same choice?
There's a third question but its more of an action....
Did I meditate before speaking?
I used to say a prayer that I kinda thought I didn't need anymore because I was so evolved but I think I'll go back to it starting now.
Obviously I'm not as evolved as I thought when I first started this class.
That damn ego....it'll get you every time.
My ego has been on and its been active, I just haven't been willing to acknowledge it and put it in check.
Last night I realized that in some ways I'd really let the universe speak through me and that is an accomplishment.
But ego is a sneaky little thing, it preys on your insecurities in order to manipulate and hit those soft spots.
But if you meditate and listen to the universe you will get all the direction you need without fear of ego rearing its ugly head. You check yourself by asking the first question and you know the truth because your belly is calm and you can feel it all around you.
I have to take myself out of the equation,
if not another living soul knew would I still be content to do the same thing, without the acknowledgement, accolade, interest or observation?
That's the one I wanna say yes to
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