I left my husband
physically but most of all spiritually
It takes some time and a hell of lot of "you" work to remove yourself from a way of thinking about your life and your marriage. It takes a lot of hurt and a lot of pain to untwist yourself from believing in something you've placed all your bets on.
It takes your finding yourself to release a connection that no longer is in your own best interest
That damn Oprah and Iyanla and that flupping Lifeclass.....
I was perfectly miserably subexisting, being all unconscious about me and my life
I'm sure my husband would appreciate that I go back to sleep right about now
He actually called me and asked me if I were serious about what I wanted in our divorce settlement.
The man was TOTALLY bewildered
he'd left a perfectly mild mannered, meely mouse wife in a corner and found a panther in the pantry
I'm allowing my children to be themselves
Consciously, emotionally almost subconsciously
That part I realized a while back will take a little more time
I started a new job
And for the first time, I was truly myself
Say it with me people
Consciously, subconsciously, emotionally, financially, spiritually....physically
I used to be bold and audacious and fearless
I once walked up to a perfect stranger in a pair of cut off jeans and white baby doll top and flirted my ass off all night.
It was a wonderful weekend
I left him drooling on the streets of Greenwich Village while my friends and I giggled and sashayed away as he and his friend oogled after us.
That friendship lasted for two years
I was bold and audacious and carefree...consciously, subsciously, emotionally, financially, spiritually and physcially
Today I found me... that old me
and I put a new twist on her
Several days ago a thought "came" to me to start jogging
I laughed it off
Big gurls don't run I casually thought
but a moment later it was there again and I realized
If I wanted to truly be the woman I am becoming I have to do something different
I was scared
I'm too fat, too out of shape
I don't have the right clothes
I need new sneakers
I don't think I can do it
but I'll try
Just before dawn
I unceremoniously grabbed a pair of really loose pants and a sweater
put on my beat up sneakers
tip toed to the front door so I wouldn't be attacked by the pup
who of course believes that everytime some one exits he should be with them.
I stood in the doorway and I breathed really deep
then I realized "the girls" were unaccompanied
I laughed a little out of sheer nervousness
the visual of being hit in the eye while jogging just sent me into giggles
It was dark...just the way I like it
No peeping toms to make me all self conscious
As I walked across the street trying to figure out how to get this thing started
I said a prayer
"I'm relying on you right now, I don't know if I can do this but since you put the thought in my head I must be able to. So I'm gon trust you.."
and with that I began to jog
At first it was like I didn't realize I was running
its different from running for that bus you know you ain't gon catch
my breathing wasn't labored
I didn't feel every muscle screaming
I just heard the sound of my feet hitting the pavement
and my eyes were at the beautiful red and white stop sign at the corner
when I got there
my breathing was heavy but I didn't feel that tightness in my chest I expected
smokers know what I'm talking about
but I hadn't had a cigarette in a little while
so I stood there... in the dark of a street lamp
I turned and looked up the block...
and thought "why the hell not"
so I jogged to the next corner
I didn't worry about the passing cars
in fact I hoped they saw me and took pictures
Dammit remember this moment cause I damn sure will
I jogged about half way down the block before that feeling of "that's enough for today ladies"
came over me
I was happy
I had run the equivalent of two blocks
I may or may not ever do it again
but I know that I can if I want to
I used to be bold, audaciously funny, hold intellectually stimulating conversations where I told poignant and significant anecdotes and I did things that made me feel strong and vibrant.
I lost her somewhere between living and marriage, job and kids, family and responsibility
But I found her
I'm still all those things but with a bit more refinement and a lot more insight
I lost the woman I thought was supposed to be
Consciously, subconsciously, emotionally, financially, spiritually
NOW I'm losing her physically
with a twist
It takes a lot of hard work to get free...from yourself
Causes Mya Speeks Supports
The Leeway Foundation