Those who know me sometimes wish they didn't...
I'm hard to read sometimes
and even though I speak honestly, very rarely does anyone truly know who I am.
I've learned to keep things in my life quiet or at least parts of it anyway.
Its a skill you learn as someone who was molested as a child or learned to keep family business just between family.
You only share the parts that don't hurt or reveal too much about yourself.
Its a skill I'm learning to leave behind.
I live a lifestyle that some would define as alternative.... I define it as spiritual
I live my life as honestly as possible and accept that the universe has much more insight of my existence than I ever will.
Unfortunately, I don't always follow through when I give my word to my friends or my family
I'm much better than I used to be... Good lord thank you for small changes
I've learned to be more selective when committing to things
My friendships are fewer but I get more out of them and hopefully so do my friends
BUT or is it yet
anywhoo, sometimes I have to over apologize for my absence or my lack of physical support
I forget to tell friends that I am in a transitional period of my life
to them I'm just flaky and unreliable, missing or off on another one of my tangents where nobody can reach me. When the reality is I'm still learning how to navigate me and I'm not real good at knowing how to express that to people... so I don't. (For all the words I know in the english language when it comes to telling someone "I'm having a rough time right now but I love you and I'll still be there" I'm kinda at a loss.)
they accept it but they learn not to fully rely on me
even when my best efforts and intentions are meant
so I end up losing touch with them or they resolve themselves to looping me in every once in awhile.
I miss out on some things
the problem with transition is that you never know quite when your in it until your almost through it.
For me, 2012 was a year of transition that even Hercules might have had a problem hurdling through the air.
but I digress
This year the universe decided that I needed to grow up.... put on my big girl panties and be the woman that I keep writing about, singing about, telling my friends I am.
It was not pretty people let me tell you
Discovering that my past abandonment issues have insinuated themselves into every facet of my life is like saying fire will not spread if you blow on it and throw some gasoline to give that extra umph.
I had a spiritual reading done this year and in it the universe praised me and gave me such kudos that I was brought to tears.
Changing who you have always been and living within universal truth is not easy and it can get downright nasty sometimes.
I saw people differently, people I'd admired for years were like aliens to me and I wondered how I could be so gullible.
I remember specifically the universe called for me to lean on them, in any situation, I was to look to them for guidance, understanding and comfort. That everything I needed would be provided for by them.
they just didn't say I would need to follow their advice immediately following that statement
it was the first of many aha moments to come
I remember saying aloud to the universe "I am ready...wherever and whatever you have for me God I'm ready to receive it"
Let's just say next time I need to make sure I carry my Depends with me cause it was some major crap being thrown my way.
and I slowly removed myself from those whose love, support and friendship means more to me than they could ever possibly know
I showed up but I didn't "SHOW" up
I keep thinking I gotta do it big instead of just do it
I gotta call on Skype to have these long drawn out chats and not just send an email that said "Hey I was thinking about you....I don't have internet service but I'll send a note the next time I get near free WIFI"
I forgot that my world revolves around me but everybody elses world doesn't
I had a friend who wanted my help and I emphatically told her "don't worry I'll be there for you, I got you" but I wasn't.
yeah the internet service was cut off but I didn't think about that the library's is free
I had a friend who sends me beautiful notes and cards and because I didn't have enough money to do the same I didn't respond.
Not that I didn't care but because I keep trying to put on airs instead of just being her friend
Some one asked me recently "did you do that thing for your uncle yet"
and I replied "no, I keep thinking I have to do this grand gesture and I keep putting it off"
she shook her head and said "you always try and be so sidditty... just do it"
and it dawned on me
The universe wasn't the problem, the history and the issues weren't the problem, my lifestyle change wasn't the problem, my friends weren't the problem
I'M THE DAMN PROBLEM!
I keep trying to make a grand gesture; serve a seven course meal at the Ritz Carlton when all the universe wants me to do is send a text message
I'm not stupid, I'm not clueless (at some stuff) but I do get in my own way
K.I.S.S. will forever be my passenger buddy (Keep It Simple Stupid)
My friends up in Mt. Pocono know my financial situation so they don't expect that I can come up every weekend but I can make a five minute call just to say... "is my room still available when I get the chance to come up there"
I've been selfish, self centered, mean and thoughtless to people I call my friends but who are really family, whose support of me and my mine has meant more to me than could ever be written in a full volume of Webster's Dictionary.
I need people like them in my life without them I'm not really that interesting but with them I'm more charismatic, adoringly beautiful and downright funny as hell.
I love listening to "Ms. Rodriquez" tell about her Carribbean cruise and how she lights a room so much that my own spot light is a little jealous.
I love hanging out in Z's kitchen debating the benefits of beans and black tea while making pecan pies and bread
Oh my god and being with my gurl down in the MO, who I swear is a super secret Indy 500 race car driver because she knows all the best places and then introduces me to folks who treat me like they've known me forever.
I want those relationships in my life but I want them to want my friendship too, I want them to know that if I didn't call this month its because probably I forgot to call and you know me if I don't do it when I think about it....well that's just a pie that ain't gon get baked.
I'm getting better
I've discovered that there's a REMINDER app on my smartphone so it beeps every time I forget to do something....the only drawback is I have to remember to put the reminder in the app first so it can remind that I'm being a jerk and I need to call a sister every blue summer.
I don't wanna forget that Becc's has a new place in VA that has my name on it or that I'm really moving to Z's house when my sun goes to college or that Florida is a really nice vacation spot if you know the right people
and that every body has their own shit and their own lives and I have to nurture and grow those relationships that mean so much to me
So here's me.... being sidditty but its really just a text message to all my real familyfriends
I love you guys....call me selfish but I need you in my life
I live better
and for all of you who will undoubtedly have something to contribute about my missing persons reports and various sightings hit me up @ firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org DON'T use email@example.com cause my sometimers lost the password...
That really is all your fault to be honest
cause ya'll didn't call and remind me that I had a yahoo account... you saw I didn't respond to any of the 1000 listserv messages, I mean damm really tho...
so I think you should really take the blame for that one.
I'm just saying...
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to saaaaay I love you
and I mean it from the bottom of my heart
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